


cure • taeyong x jaehyun

by abnegative



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychological Trauma, Romance Novel, Smut, dubcon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-03-30 22:37:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 31,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19036999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abnegative/pseuds/abnegative
Summary: taeyong x jaehyunoriginally written and published in 2017[complete] Taeyong is a broken boy and Jaehyun loves to save damaged hearts. Will it be enough to keep them together or will everything stacked against them tear them apart?Editing as I publish





	1. Chapter 1

 

taeyong x jaehyun

originally written and published in 2017

 

rescued from my banned w*ttpad account and posted here by popular demand - thank you to everyone who asked for it xxx

“ Taeyong is a broken boy and Jaehyun loves to save damaged hearts. Will it be enough to keep them together or will everything stacked against them tear them apart?”

 

kind of loosely inspired by Ten Count - but only really the first chapter or two

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Lee Taeyong sat in the backseat of the black vehicle. "Taeyong. You have to seriously consider this. Your last album is still charting after all this time. Your singles climb the charts as soon as we release them." Jihoon, his manager, pleaded with him.

"No." Taeyong crossed his arms. 

"Taeyong," Jihoon continued, taking a softer tone. "You are going to have to step outside your comfort zone eventually. This could seriously damage your career. You need to tour." "I wont. You know why. You know I can't." Tears filled Taeyong's eyes as the all too familiar feeling of adrenaline rose in his body. 

"Maybe it's time to try again with the therapy," Jihoon continued tentatively. "Oh sure. The media will love that. Lee Taeyong, hit rapper, mental patient." Jihoon turned to Taeyong as they sat in the backseat of the huge vehicle parked on the side of the road. "Maybe we can get you into some kind of residential program, make everyone sign confidentiality clauses." Anger and fear suddenly swelled in Taeyong’s mind. "You want to lock me up?" His voice rose higher as he began to panic. "Is this what the company wants? Hide their big money maker in a mental hospital?" Jihoon went to reach for Taeyong's arm before he realised his mistake and Taeyong panicked. "Don't touch me." He cried out as he reached for the door handle and threw the door open. His fight or flight instinct had been instantly triggered, and Jihoon shouted "No, Taeyong, the road..." Taeyong didn't hear him as he leaped out of the vehicle unaware or unable to process the danger around him.

 

 

 

Jung Jaehyun wandered along in the sun on his way to work. He pushed his dark brown hair out of his eyes and squinted in the sky. It was a beautiful day. Too nice to be headed into the artificially lit office that monopolised his days.

He hummed a song under his breath, something he had heard on the radio, probably something by the latest popular idol. He carried a coffee in his hand, his favourite flat white with sugar. Leaves fell in the warm breeze signposting the moment summer turned into autumn. 

He stepped off the curb behind a black vehicle to cross the busy road. Cars were zooming left and right and he was forced back a bit to wait for a break in the traffic. Suddenly a car door opened in front of him. A boy with a mop of pink hair flew out of the vehicle and into the path of an oncoming van. Adrenaline coursed through Jaehyun as time seemed to stand still. Coffee flew as Jaehyun leaped at the boy, grabbing him by the arm, the force of Jaehyun's body against the smaller boy making them both hit the ground hard.

 

Jaehyun's head hit the road. The van missed them by inches. Everything went black.

 

"Jihoon call an ambulance!” Taeyong screamed at his manager. It took him around ten seconds to realise his skin had touched the other boys and he immediately began to panic. "My bag.... Where is my bag?" He grabbed his backpack from the vehicle and found his antiseptic wipes. His panic subsided as he scrubbed at his skin and only then did he realise people were gathering around the boy on the road who had not yet opened his eyes.

 

"Get in the car and stay there." Jihoon glared at Taeyong who quickly complied. He knew his manager would have enough trouble dealing with the fallout from this without pictures all over the internet of Lee Taeyong, star rapper, and a lifeless boy on the road.

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun woke up under the glare of artificial white lights. Was he at work? Why was he laying down? He tried to sit up and his head pounded with intense pain. He looked around and realised he was in a hospital bed. 

 

He stared in shock at the pink haired boy asleep in the chair in the corner. His mouth was so dry. As he reached for the jug of water on the table near the bed he realised his arm was also in pain and he wore a cast from his wrist to his elbow. He clumsily knocked the water jug crashing to the floor, water spilling everywhere as the pink haired boy opened his eyes and sat up and Jaehyun's head spun wildky. He felt like he was breathing underwater. The boy was so beautiful, almost unreal looking, like something out of one of the many mangas Jaehyun had stacked next to his bed.

 

"Am I dreaming? How hard did I hit my head." He mumbled out the words before everything went black again.

Lee Taeyong stared at the boy sitting up in the bed. He looked like an angel. He had fluffy dark brown hair soft enough to lay in and adorable dimples deep enough to drown in. Guilt washed over him. This boy had risked himself for Taeyong, possibly saved his life, and now to top it off he looked like an actual angel. He blessed Taeyong with a smile, mumbled something incoherent and was out to it again. Taeyong called for the nurse and when she came in he went out into the corridor of the hospital.

Taeyong liked hospitals. The artificial white lighting, the cold floors, the smell of strong antiseptics all comforted him. Jihoon headed towards him as he waited outside in the corridor. "I spoke to the doctor. He's going to be fine. They will keep him overnight for observation but they will let him leave tomorrow. He has a fractured wrist and will need the cast for six weeks. The company has covered all the bills in advance and hopefully we can keep this out of the media." 

 

"Jihoon, he saved my life, what are we going to do for him?" Taeyong chewed his bottom lip, Jihoon shot him a warning look, and the boy quickly stopped. "We will find out what he wants. He will probably just be happy to sell his story to the media." Jihoon rolled his eyes. "No,” Taeyong breathed softly to himself, "He wont want that." "Time to go Taeyong. I'll leave my card with instructions to call me tomorrow." "NO." Taeyong's eyes flashed in anger at the thought of leaving. "He saved my life. The least I can do is stay with him." "Taeyong are you sure? Sometimes I think you forget who you are." "No Jihoon. The opposite. I know exactly who I am. He saved my life and I will stay with him until I know he's okay."

The boy in the bed slept all night. So did the boy in the chair. Morning light streamed in through the window bathing Taeyong in gold and white as Jaehyun lay awake staring at this creature who had come into his life. His head felt better but his wrist was killing him. So was his heart. He could sense so much fragility in the skinny pink haired boy on the chair. Why did he fly out into the traffic? Why wasn't anyone protecting him? Suddenly the boy's eyelids fluttered and shot open.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How are you feeling?" Taeyong asked tentatively. "Hungry,” Jaehyun smiled softly. "I'm Taeyong. Thank you for saving my life. I'm pretty sure I owe you breakfast." Taeyong smiled shyly and Jaehyun smiled back. "I'm Jaehyun. Nice to meet you Taeyong,” he said as he held his hand out to Taeyong and the other shook his head. "Sorry. I can't," Taeyong mumbled as he stared at the ground and Jaehyun pulled his hand away.

"Are you okay?" Jaehyun's brown eyes filled with concern. "You know, after yesterday?" This boy saved his live and was only concerned with how he was? Was he an actual angel? Taeyong took a deep breath as he gathered all his bravery. "Yes just a few bruises. The doctor says you can go home today. My company has taken care of the bills." "Your company?" Jaehyun looked confused. "My employers. Don't worry about any of the costs. They will also provide you with any reward for your bravery. Within reason of course." 

 

Taeyong waited in silence for the request. Money, contacts in the industry, concert tickets. "Can I have your phone number?" Jaehyun smiled brightly, his dimpled cheeks pushing right up into his eyes, and Taeyong felt like he was melting. “That's all you want? Do you know who I am?" He murmured and Jaehyun eyed him curiously. "Ah yeah, you just told me, Taeyong." Jaehyun looked confused again. His headache was returning and he rubbed his forehead in pain. "Should I know who you are?" 

Taeyong got up and scribbled his phone number down on a piece of paper and left it on the table next to the bed. "You can text me when you get out of here," Taeyong muttered and took off out of the room.

He ran all the way down the corridor, down three flights of stairs and outside into the bright sunshine.

As soon as he was outside his breath caught in his chest. Panic overcame him in vicious angry waves. He clenched his eyes shut and counted to ten slowly. He began to breathe. Tears rolled out of his eyes. 

What had he done?

 

 

Jihoon found him a while later outside sitting on a brick wall next to the hospital. His hood was pulled up over his pink hair in his familiar habit when he didn’t want to be looked at. "I spoke to him. He didn't know who you were. I told him and he seemed surprised but he still doesn't want any reward." 

 

Jihoon had been Taeyong's Manager since the kid was 15. He was like a little brother to him. No one but Jihoon knew the struggles Taeyong faced on a daily basis. "He did want a reward. He asked for my number and I gave it to him." Taeyong mumbled into his hood. Jihoon's eyes widened. "For real?" Jihoon was amazed. "That's great. Taeyong I can't believe you did that. Are you going to pick up if he calls?" "I don't know, Jihoon." Taeyong was deeper inside his hoodie. "If I let him in then it wont be long before he realises I'm broken."


	3. Chapter 3

 

Dinner time.

 

Taeyong turned on the dishwasher to hot steam. He took a disinfectant wipe out and wiped the bench. He filled the sink with water and put his fruit and vegetables in the water. He washed his hands.

He took a fresh cloth out of the dryer. He took the dishes and cutlery straight out of the dishwasher and dried them with the clean towel. He washed the fruits and vegetables. He washed his hands.

He took a disinfectant wipe out and wiped the table. He washed his hands.

He ate his merger bland dinner of a few fruits and vegetables. He stacked the diswasher again. He washed his hands.

 

 

This was his life and it was was fine. He was used to it.

 

His mind wandered to the boy with the fluffy brown hair and the deep dimples. He checked his phone. No new messages. Half of him wanted nothing more than for the boy who saved his life to send him a text. The other half of him wanted to jump off the balcony.

 

He couldn't believe he gave him his number. What was he thinking? As soon as he saw the real Taeyong the boy would run a mile and Taeyong wouldn't blame him. He had been alone for six years. Independant since 15, he had been able to form his own protective bubble, making his apartment his safe space.

 

No one else came in. No contamination, no dirt, no outside germs. Jihoon understood his needs and mostly left him alone. But his career was peaking and he was finding it harder and harder to avoid the requirements of the Industry. He could manage appearances and events as long as he could return to his bubble.

 

He wouldn't tour. Dinners and parties were also out. People would notice when he wouldn't eat or drink anything, then rumours would start, then the truth would be even harder to hide.

 

He sank onto the couch but anxiety riddled his brain. He got up to take a shower, his favourite place, the only place where he felt truly clean. He removed his second set of clothing for the day and put it straight into the washing machine. The clothes couldn’t touch the floor. Taeyong stood in the shower for what felt like forever as he washed his hair again, soaped his whole body again, brushed his teeth again.

 

Comforted by the routine he replaced everything into its correct place in the bathroom and felt relaxed enough to sleep. He was just about to slip into his bed when he though of his phone and went to grab it from the kitchen.

  
****_Unknown number  
Today, 9:17pm  
Hi It's Jaehyun I was released from the hospital today. You still owe me breakfast :-)_

Taeyong's head swam. He took the phone into his bed. He curled up and stared at the message and pictured the beautiful sweet angel behind it. He had managed fine for six years. His life was great. He didn't need anyone, he told himself, but he couldn't get Jaehyun's smile out of his head. For the first time in what felt like forever something overrode his fear. Before he could second guess himself he replied.

**_Today, 9:34pm  
I can meet you tomorrow morning. We can go for coffee. Text me in the morning with the address._ **

 

He hit send before he dropped his phone, rolled over onto his back and stared at the roof. Coffee? How exactly was he going to 'go for coffee'? As he drifted off into a restless sleep he realised there was nothing he wanted more than to just meet Jaehyun and take him out for coffee like a normal person.

 

 

 

Jaehyun smiled at the response. He wasn't sure if he was going to get one. He had been surprised when the man called Jihoon entered his hospital room and explained that Lee Taeyong the fragile boy with the pink hair, was in fact TY, the number one rapper in the country.

 

Jaehyun's head was always buried in books. Music wasn't really his thing. He laughed to himself when he realised that his friends would definitely know who Taeyong was. He would have to keep this under wraps. He was even more surprised when Jihoon offered him any reward within reason, even tried to write Jaehyun a cheque on the spot, but he immediately refused it. All he wanted was to get to know Taeyong.

 

He was drawn to fragility like a moth to a flame. He could see it all over the boy's face, his body language, his actions. His unwillingness to shake hands. The way he handed over his number and ran, retracting himself into his hood on the way out. He knew this could be dangerous but he was unable to stop himself.

The next morning the sun was bright and so was Jaehyun. He smiled on his way to work at no one in particular. He grabbed his phone out and sent a message:

 

**_Today, 8:42am  
Can you come to the University? I work on campus. I have a shift until 12:00pm and then I'm free until my 3pm lecture. Meet me outside the City West building._ **

 

 

He headed into the Psychiatry Clinic of the University and took a seat behind the reception desk. "Hey Wendy." he smiled at his workmate. "Hey Jae. We all heard you go hit by a car." He grinned and held up his cast like a badge of honour. "The real story is much cooler. You'd never believe it!" He laughed and pulled out a huge textbook. He hoped the desk would be quiet today so he could get some study in before 12pm.

 

 

 

 

Taeyong paced his apartment. Should he back out? He wanted to. He also wanted Jaehyun to bless him with his smile. That smile. But how was he going to pretend to be normal? Before he could chicken out he checked his backpack and slung it on his back and headed out the door.

 

  
He arrived at the University and followed a sign to the City West Building. When he got there he realised the City West Building was the medical section and Jaehyun was heading towards him from the Psychiatry Clinic.

Jaehyun's shift ended and he was surprised to find Taeyong outside walking towards him. He was wearing a mask and his pink hair was covered by a black beanie and his hood. It made sense, Jaehyun didn't know who TY the famous rapper was, but surely others on the campus would recognise him uncovered? Jaehyun had been sure the boy would back out but here he was.

 

 

 

 

The Psychiatry Clinic? Taeyong panicked. He wanted to turn around and run but here was Jaehyun headed towards him. Jaehyun smiled and any thoughts Taeyong had of running away disappeared.

  
"Hey."

  
"Hey."

  
"Psychiatry Clinic? You a doctor?" Taeyong asked him from deep inside his hood. "Nah, not yet anyway. I work behind the desk, you know, office work. I'm still studying. But I will be a psychiatrist. If I ever graduate." Another bright smile broke across Jaehyun's face. "Come on. There's a nice coffee shop on campus across the courtyard."

 

Taeyong shrank further into his hood and followed Jaehyun. They sat down at a small table in the corner. It wasn't very crowded. Jaehyun ordered a flat white. "I'm not having anything." Taeyong shrank into his hood again. Anxiety was setting in. Why had he come? This was the part where Jaehyun realised he was broken, damaged, abnormal. Instead Jaehyun just blessed him with that smile again. "It's fine. You don't have to have anything. But I would like you to come out of that hood a bit." Jaehyun laughed softly and Taeyong was mesmerised. He felt himself removing the hood and pulling his mask down to his chin.

 

Jaehyun's breath caught in his chest. He had almost forgotten how beautiful the fragile boy was. He was both more handsome than any guy and prettier than any girl Jaehyun had ever seen. He breathed out slowly and took a big gulp of his coffee.

  
"So. I'm really just here to say thanks again. You know. For what you did." Taeyong wanted so badly to retreat inside his hoodie but he fought it with every fibre of his being. "Ah, it's fine, you need to stop thanking me. But I would like to know what you were running from." Jaehyun's eyes were soft and kind and Taeyong was getting lost in them. He began to have the feeling that he would spill all his secrets to Jaehyun and be glad of it. It was like the other was looking straight into his soul.

 

"Jihoon tried to touch me,” he said quietly. When he saw the look on Jaehyun's face he quickly explained. "No not like that, not in a bad way, he just forgot. And I panicked."

  
He looked down at his hands and then looked at his bag. "If you need something from your bag you can get it out." Jaehyun's voice was like honey and it made Taeyong feel like everything was okay. He grabbed his bag and rifled through it looking for his antiseptic wipes, pulled one out, and as he scrubbed at his hands he began to relax again. "That must have been scary for you,” Jaehyun soothed and Taeyong nodded. "He knows me better than anyone. He's the only person in my life. But even he forgets what I'm like sometimes."

 

Taeyong continued to wipe his hands, becoming increasingly frantic, and Jaehyun needed to stop him. "That's enough," Jaehyun said as he looked at the wipe and Taeyong put it down on the table. "Tell me about your new album." Jaehyun smiled at him, changing the subject, and Taeyong immediately brightened. He came alive as he talked rapidly about the songs, how he liked to write at home, he had a studio set up in his big apartment, he had filmed two music videos ready for the release. He was like a different person. Jaehyun was drawn in to his joy. Maybe he would have to start taking an interest in music. Before they knew it they had been talking for two hours.

 

  
"Hey. I gotta go. I can't miss this lecture." Jaehyun was apologetic. "It's cool." Taeyong was pulling his mask back up and then was back inside his hood. "Can we do this again? I had a really good time. A great time actually." Jaehyun's eyes stared straight into Taeyong's.

  
"Call me. Please. Tonight. Please." Taeyong replied before grabbing his backpack and taking off without looking back.

  
He ran across the campus to the safety of his vehicle. He had made his driver wait for him in case he needed to escape. Now he knew there was no escape. He was falling for Jaehyun. No one had ever treated him with such patience. Jaehyun was just as caring and gentle as Taeyong had imagined him to be. He grabbed his antiseptic wipes out and scrubbed at his skin while he sank into the seat of the vehicle.

 

  
Jaehyun couldn't concentrate on his lecture. The professor at the front of the theatre was droning on about borderline personality disorder and its prevalence in the justice system. Jaehyun thumbed through the huge textbook in front of him until he found what he was looking for:

  
 **MYSOPHOBIA**  
my-so-pho-bia - anxiety disorder characterised by a pathological fear of contamination and germs.

Linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Symptoms may include:  
*Washing frequently or obsessively  
*refusal to use public restrooms or other shared facilities  
*avoidance of social situations or activities where people gather  
*refusal to share personal items including food and utensils  
*avoidance of physical contact

Recommended therapies: exposure therapy, cognitive behaviour therapy

 

He took a deep breath. He needed Taeyong in his life. He didn't know if he could be the cure but he surely could provide some relief and soothe the boy's exhausted and tortured mind.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Taeyong paced his apartment. He thought of Jaehyun, his handsome smiling face, his thick honey voice. He hoped he would call. He felt tired, he always felt tired, but he decided to give in and go to bed. Before bed it was the necessary rituals, he washed his hands, washed his face, brushed his teeth and washed his hands again. It never felt like enough but it would do.

He slid between the sheets staring at his phone in the darkness and thought about their meeting at the coffee shop. He had learned that Jaehyun was a psychiatry major who worked part time in the clinic. Was that why he had such a soothing effect on Taeyong's mind? He had also learned that Jaehyun had an older sister, lived alone near the university campus and was obsessed with reading manga and novels. He was just dozing off when his phone lit up. He grabbed for it quickly and hit the answer button. 

"Hello?" 

"Hi Taeyong." He could hear Jaehyun smiling through the phone. He put it on speaker and snuggled deep into his blankets in the darkness. "I'm glad you rang. I had a good time today,” he said as he felt shy even through the phone. "That's good. I did too," Jaehyun replied. "What are you doing now?"

"I'm in bed," Taeyong said quietly. "Today made me really tired."

"I'm sure it did. I had late classes so I just got home." Jaehyun's voice was soft as well. Taeyong pictured him in his apartment, making coffee, walking around barefoot, doing normal people stuff and it made him feel both happy and heartbroken. Taeyong would give anything to be able to do normal people stuff.

 

 

Jaehyun, emboldened by the anonymity of the phone, seized all the courage he had. "Taeyong, I just want you to know that I really want to get to know you better. Can we be friends please?"  
Taeyong breathed in and out slowly and softly as he tried to find the right words. "Jaehyun, you know I'm broken right? You can tell... I know you can. Can you fix me?" He held his breath while he waited.

  
"I don't know. Do you want to be fixed?" Jaehyun asked. 

There was a long silence. "Yes." Taeyong replied at last.

"Can you meet tomorrow?" Jaehyun asked. "Yes. Can we go to the coffee shop again?" Taeyong's voice was smaller than before. "It's easier to go somewhere I've been before." "Sure. Meet you there at 2pm." Jaehyun replied. "Ok bye." Taeyong's voice had shrank into a whisper. He hung up and curled into a tiny ball wishing he could disappear.

 

 

Jaehyun had the following day off. He took his time getting ready. He hadn't been this excited in a long time. He couldn't get the broken boy with the pink hair out of his mind, he knew he was playing a dangerous game, but he couldn’t stop himself. Taeyong had a hold over him he couldn’t escape.

He sat on the edge of his bed with his phone and typed 'Lee Taeyong' into the search engine. He clicked on a video of Taeyong on stage, in full TY mode, hair flying as he rapped and swaggered across the set. The boy was such a contradiction- this person on stage was nothing like the quiet soul he sat with in the coffee shop. There were news articles on Taeyong's achievements with most of them pointing out that he was a mysterious recluse and his personal life a total mystery.

 

Jaehyun took a deep breath and typed 'Lee Taeyong dating' into the search engine. Nothing. Just a few articles about how unusual it was that the rapper had never been linked with any love interest. Jaehyun looked at his watch and saw that it was only 11:45am. Why was time moving so slowly today?

He lay back on the bed and let his mind wander to his own dating past. A few clumsy fumbles with a couple of girls in high school were enough for him to know that he was into guys only. He had one relationship, if you could call it that, with Johnny who was now one of his best friends. Johnny and Jaehyun were never a great fit. They had chemistry but their whole six month relationship was a constant power struggle. Jaehyun liked to be in control. So did Johnny. They called it quits and didn't speak for a year but they had mutual friends and were able to put the past behind them.

 

 

 

Eventually enough time passed and Jaehyun headed to the coffee shop. He ordered a flat white and loaded it with sugar. He looked at the clock. It was 2:17pm and there was no sign of Taeyong. He wondered if the boy was going to back out, checked his phone, but there were no messages. 

 

 

 

Taeyong was in the backseat of his car parked in the University car park covered in a light film of nervous sweat. "Do you want to leave?" His driver checked in the rear view mirror. "No. Just give me five more minutes." Taeyong took out his antiseptic wipes and scrubbed his hands. Over and over. He closed his eyes and counted to ten while he took deep breaths but it didn't work. He scrubbed them again. And again. And again.

He looked at his watch. It was 2:33pm and he wondered if he had already blown it. He scrubbed his hands again. The antiseptic wipe tore. He swore and got another one out. His red chapped skin felt like it was on fire as he wiped it over and over but he just couldn’t stop. He forced his brain to think of something else and an image appeared in his mind. It was Jaehyun. "That's enough,” was what he said to him yesterday, calm but firm, gentle but authoritative. And he suddenly stopped. He took another deep breath, grabbed his backpack and jumped from the car. He took off at a run towards the coffee shop desperately hoping he wasn't too late.

 

 

 

Jaehyun looked up as the broken boy landed heavily in the chair opposite him. "I'm glad you're here." His eyes sparkled. "I'm glad you waited." The broken boy replied from inside his hood.

Jaehyun took a sip of his second cup of coffee. "Taeyong I'm not a professional yet. I can help you but only as a friend. Is this ok?" Taeyong nodded.

"Ok. So here's what we are going to do. I want you to name some of the things you wish you could do but you can't. I will help you do them, it’s going to take a long time, and it’s going to be really difficult. Does that sound like something you can try?” 

Taeyong nodded. "What's in it for you though?" Taeyong’s eyes flashed uncharacteristically fierce as he stared out from under his hood. "I get to be around you." Jaehyun’s answer was delivered with honesty and his beautiful smile and Taeyong couldn't resist it and smiled back. That was all Jaehyun needed. Desire burned inside him. He wanted him fiercely. He wanted to reach out across the table and grab his hand, pull his body in close, make their lips touch softly....

He knew the broken boy would never accept it.

"Taeyong. What are some of the things you would like to be able to do?"

Taeyong thought long and hard inside his hood.

"I would like to be able to tour and show more of my fans my music."

He thought again.

"I would like to be able to sit here with you and drink a cup of coffee." He smiled sadly. "I would like for us to walk around the campus in the sun holding hands. I would like to take you to the bookstore and buy you all the books you want." A single tear rolled down Taeyong's cheek. 

"I want to remember what it feels like to be loved."

Jaehyun's heart was beating out of his chest. "I think I can help you remember,” he whispered.

”If you’re willing to try.”


	5. Chapter 5

Taeyong thought about Jaehyun every day. He was enjoying the break from the pressures of public appearances. It gave him time to breathe. It also gave him time to think but it would soon be over. His company announced his comeback date and he had six weeks left of freedom.

He was excited to show his new music. He wasn't excited for the exhausting routines and rituals he would need to get him through the public appearances.

When he last left Jaehyun at the coffee shop Jaehyun told him to wait to be contacted. He had been waiting for three days. He obsessed over checking his phone, no new messages, the lack of notifications another thing to obsess over.

He ate his dinner and went through the usual routines, showered, climbed into bed. How much longer was Jaehyun going to make him wait? He briefly thought about calling him, even just sending a text, but he changed his mind. Taeyong was just beginning to doze off when he heard a buzz and the phone lit up. He grabbed at it excitedly but it was just Jihoon.

"Hey." He mumbled dejectedly into the phone. "Well hey yourself misery," Jihoon laughed, “what's wrong with you?" "I hoped it was someone else," Taeyong admitted. "Still no call?" Jihoon asked and Taeyong sighed into the phone. "Yeah, no call, no text. I guess he realised what a mess I am after all." Taeyong's voice was quiet and coloured with a rainbow of rejection and dejection. 

 

 

 

Jaehyun's phone lit up with a text. He smiled at his phone as he walked to work.

_** Today, 8:37am **   
**Hey what's with not telling us you got hit by a car you weirdo** _

_** Today, 8:39am **   
**Well I wasn't exactly lol it's a long story** _

_** Today, 8:41am **   
**Well you can tell it to us today what time do you get off work** _

_** Today, 8:42am **   
**2pm** _

_** Today, 8:44am **   
**Meet you at the coffee shop** _

Jaehyun laughed to himself. If Johnny knew then everyone knew. Johnny was also at the University in the Engineering program along with their other friend Doyoung. Jaehyun would be glad of the company. He needed a distraction to stop him from contacting Taeyong, it had been four days since the coffee shop, and he thought about the broken boy constantly.

As soon as his shift was over he headed straight to the coffee shop. Johnny and Doyoung were already there waiting and they both laughed when they saw his cast. "Ok. So tell," Doyoung said. Jaehyun told them the whole story, about the car, him saving Taeyong, the hospital, their coffee dates. He left out two things - the fact that Taeyong was in fact TY the most famous rapper in the country, and the mysophobia. He was not going to blow Taeyong's secrets, especially not to Johnny who had a big mouth, and was a terrible gossip. He also knew exactly what his friends would say about Jaehyun the psych student falling for someone with a major anxiety disorder.

"Well, that's quite a story, Jaehyun our hero!" Johnny teased. "So, you got offered a reward, and you wanted his phone number? This guy must be pretty special." Doyoung joined in the teasing. They both grinned but stopped when they saw Jaehyun's face soften. "I really like him," Jaehyun confessed. "I actually can't get him out of my mind." "Wow." Johnny stopped teasing when he saw how serious he was. "Well don't mess this up." He smiled at Jaehyun but his eyes were sad. Doyoung felt awkward, like he was intruding on some silent conversation. He knew how much his friends had wanted to make their relationship work but how much they knew they were better as friends.

 

 

 

 

Taeyong couldn't take it anymore. It was 2:55pm. He knew that Jaehyun usually got off work at 2 so he was wrapped up in his new ritual of obsessively staring at his phone. He desperately hoped today would be the day Jaehyun would text him. 

 

He paced up and down in his apartment. He grabbed his phone and flopped backwards onto the couch. He typed a text and deleted it, typed another and deleted it, he just didn't know what to do. He thought Jaehyun liked him. He acted like he liked him so why hadn't he called or messaged? 

Taeyong put the phone down. He got up and washed his hands. He went back to the couch and picked up the phone again. He typed out the text and hit send before he could back out.

_** Today, 3:01pm **   
**Hey, it's Taeyong, do you have time for coffee?** _

No response. Disappointment was eating him up inside. He sent another text

_** Today, 3:19pm **   
**If you can't today what about tomorrow? Please?** _

Jaehyun's phone buzzed on the table. He picked it up and looked at it and put it back down. "Is that him?" Johnny asked and Jaehyun changed the subject. A while later his phone buzzed again. "Come on," Johnny said. "We know it's him. Answer him." Jaehyun shook his head and shoved the phone into his pocket. "You like him don't you? Jaehyun, I know what you're like, don't play games with him. You might end up regretting it." Johnny’s time was pointed and Doyoung nodded his agreement but Jaehyun just shook his head. "Stay out of it guys. You don't understand." He got up and quickly gathered his stuff before they judged him even more. “I'll catch you guys later I have study to do." He he said as he turned towards the door.

 

Jaehyun walked home in the fading sunlight. The afternoons were getting cooler and he liked it. Winter was coming, the season of cozy coats and thick scarves and warm fires and ruddy cheeks. He wondered what Taeyong would look like all bundled up in a padded coat and the image made him smile.

He opened the door to his apartment. It was small but cheap and walking distance to the University. He kicked off his shoes and started making a pasta. He realised he had skipped lunch when the smellnof the cooking food made his stomach growl. After he ate and showered he finally took out his phone and typed a reply to Taeyong.

_** Today, 7:50pm **   
**I can't** _ _ **I'm busy tomorrow.** _ _ **I have early lectures and then a late shift at work** _

He hit send but it killed him inside.

 

 

Taeyong's heart skipped a beat! Finally a reply! His world came crashing down with disappointment when he read the text. Why was he suddenly too busy all of a sudden. Tears stung his eyes. He needed to see Jaehyun. He needed to see him and he wasn’t going to let him push him away.

 

 

The next day Jaehyun couldn't focus on his lecture. His mind was full of pink hair, of eyes as black as night, of a fragile skinny boy who needed so much. Jaehyun wandered in a daze to another lecture, then to work for his late shift. He decided that he had waited long enough, when he closed the clinic at 9pm he would call Taeyong on the way home.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Taeyong wandered across the campus in the dark. He liked the dark and he left his mask and beanie behind in the car. There was something about the night sky which took the edge off his anxiety, like life was easier to deal with if he couldn't be seen. He looked at his watch as he wandered in the darkness. It read 8:56pm. 

 

He had paced his apartment before deciding to take things into his own hands. If Jaehyun didn't like him he could tell him to his face. As soon as they had got to the campus he jumped straight out of the car and headed for the clinic hoping Jaehyun was still there. When he spotted the brightly lit building in front of him he began to panic but then he saw Jaehyun get up from behind the desk. He sucked in a deep breath, covered his hand with his sleeve, and pressed down on the door handle. The door swung open.

Jaehyun looked up in surprise to see Taeyong coming straight towards him. They boy pushed his hoodie back and revealed his new platinum white hair. Before Jaehyun could speak Taeyong flew angrily towards him. " I thought you liked me..." 

Jaehyun came out from behind the desk and stood in front of him. "I do,” he said softly and Taeyong sucked in a sob as it caught in his throat. "I like you a lot. All I can think about is you." Jaehyun's sudden confession stopped Taeyong's tears as Jaehyun began to walk towards him. "I have to be careful Taeyong. I want you so bad I'm scared I'll hurt you. How will you feel if I lose control? If I grab you and kiss you?"

 

Taeyong's heart pounded as Jaehyun moved in closer. "What are you going to do if I touch you? Could you stand it, Taeyong? Could you let me kiss you and touch you, put my hands on your skin? My lips on yours? Will you let me run my tongue all over your bare body?" 

 

Taeyong couldn't breathe. Jaehyun was as close as he could possibly be without touching him. Taeyong could feel his hot breath ghosting across his skin and he shivered involuntary. "I... I don't know. I don't know yet..." Taeyong stuttered as he began to cry. In his heart he wanted all those things and more. His body was constantly craving physical contact. He could feel Jaehyun's words lighting a fire all the way from his chest to his bellybutton and even lower. 

 

It was his broken brain telling him to run.

 

He looked up at Jaehyun and was relieved to see his smile, his sparkling eyes, his deep dimples. "Taeyong I want to do all those things so badly but I know you won't let me. And I’m willing to wait until you’re ready but it's difficult for me to be around you and control myself." He moved in closer and pressed his body against Taeyong's. "I won't touch you Taeyong." He leaned over and breathed into his ear as he whispered words that both terrified Taeyong and turned him on more than he could have imagined. "Not until you want me to. Not until you're begging me to. Not until you’re so desperate to feel me on top of you, inside you, feeling every inch of your naked shin underneath me." Taeyong's skin began to crawl all over but at the same time he couldn't move away. He closed his eyes and held his breath in anticipation of what was coming next.

When he opened them Jaehyun was behind the desk getting his backpack. "Come on then. It's too late now for coffee. Want to walk me out of here?" Taeyong nodded and pulled his hood up over his head.


	7. Chapter 7

 

Taeyong paced in his apartment. He checked his phone, paced again, checked it again. He wouldn't give in this time. He would wait. It had been two days since he left Jaehyun in the dark car park of the University with a brief and unsatisfying goodby. Finally he had enough of today and just wanted it to be over. He showered and climbed into bed hoping to fall asleep and wake up to a message from Jaehyun. But, right before he nodded off, he heard the buzz and his heart leaped into his chest.

_** Today, 10:22pm **   
**Want to get a coffee tomorrow?** _

He smiled and typed out his reply.

_** Today 10:23pm **   
**Yes. More than anything** 😊 _

_** Today 10:24pm **   
**Ok** 😊 ** WE are getting coffee . meet me outside the clinic at 2pm ** .  _

He rolled over clutching his phone. He didn't know what Jaehyun had in mind but he trusted him. 

 

 

The next day Jaehyun finished his shift and walked out into the breeze. The season was changing quickly now, the air was getting cooler, the days shorter. He spotted Taeyong leaning against a wall all in shadow. Black mask, black beanie, black hood. Jaehyun smiled as he walked towards him. He knew Taeyong smiled back under his mask, he could tell by they eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How's your anxiety? 1-10?" Jaehyun asked quietly. 

"7" Taeyong replied.

"You want to back out? I'm not going to force you."

"No. I want to get coffee with you." Taeyong looked at the ground. "Then lets go." They headed off to the coffee shop.

When they got there Jaehyun took Taeyong into the kitchen. "The Manager here is a friend of mine." He introduced him to Ten, a short friendly looking guy with dark hair and laughing eyes. "Ten said it's ok if you watch him make the coffee. Will that help?" "I don't know." Taeyong replied. 

 

He watched Ten get a clean cup fresh out of the dishwasher. He watched him fill it with steaming black coffee from the machine. "Milk?" The bright eyed boy asked him and Taeyong shook his head. Ten handed him the cup so he could carry it himself out of the kitchen. "I owe you one." Jaehyun smiled at him as he followed Taeyong out. "I'll have my usual."

 

They sat at their table for two in the corner. Jaehyun loaded his flat white with so much sugar and Taeyong eyed his cup suspiciously. "Do you want sugar?" Jaehyun asked him. "I don't know." Taeyong answered. He just stared at the coffee like it was an enemy to be defeated with fierce gazes and flashing eyes. "How's your anxiety?" Jaehyun asked him softly. "9." Taeyong admitted.

"I'm proud of you for at least taking the cup and carrying it." Jaehyun's honey voice seemed to smooth right into Taeyong's soul. “It’s a big step.” Taeyong felt himself almost glowing under Jaehyun’s praise and wanted to take a risk. He took a deep breath as he stared into the swirling black coffee. "How much sugar do you use?" He asked Jaehyun. "I put four." Jaehyun went a little red. "I have a sweet tooth." "Me too." Taeyong also blushed. 

 

He piled 4 sugars into the cup. He stared at it then stirred it. "Can I use my wipes?" He asked as he stared at the table. "Yes." Jaehyun said. He immediately grabbed his backpack and got the wipes and wiped his hands until Jaehyun had to tell him to stop. "How's your anxiety now?" Jaehyun asked, his honey voice back and in full effect. "Still 9." Taeyong admitted as he made no attempt to taste the coffee.

Jaehyun knew he had to try something and his expression changed instantly. "Taeyong,” he said sharply. "Take a sip of the coffee or I'm going to leave." Taeyong's mind clouded as crippling anxiety fought fiercely with desire. He looked up at Jaehyun, whose face was suddenly cold, his voice devoid of the honey sweet thickness Taeyong had so quickly become addicted to.

 

"I'm going to count down from ten,” Jaehyun said. "When I get to one, if you haven’t tried to drink the coffee, I'm leaving.” He left no room to breathe as he started immediately. “Ten, nine, eight, seven...." 

Tears filled Taeyong's eyes. Panic rose in his chest. He didn't want Jaehyun to leave. "Six, five, four..." 

Taeyong's anxiety was off the charts. He thought he was going to pass out. He stood up, not knowing if he wanted to leave, or stay, or cry, or run. Jaehyun stood up too and got ready to stick to his word and walk out. "Three, two, one."

Jaehyun grabbed his backpack. "See you next time,” he said casually as he slung the backpack over his shoulder. As he turned to leave he saw Taeyong move.

Desire beat anxiety. Taeyong picked up the cup and took a sip. The strong sweet taste of the black coffee overwhelmed his senses, his skin itches and crawled, and two huge tears ran down his cheeks. He forced himself to swallow it somehow and it burned all the way down.

"Good job." Jaehyun's honey voice was back and all traces of the coldness were gone. Taeyong looked up at him and was rewarded with a heart stopping smile. "I'm so proud of you,” Jaehyun enthused and Taeyong felt like he was melting. "Have you had enough? Do you want to leave?" Jaehyun wasn’t going to push him any further pas his limits and Taeyong nodded. He was already retreating back inside his hood. He pulled his mask up and the two boys stepped outside into the cool afternoon breeze.

 

 

By the time Taeyong was back in the safety of his bubble he was hyper with exhilaration. "You wouldn't believe it Jihoon!" he practically yelled into the phone. "I drank the coffee! To be fair it was only one sip but I did it! It was amazing! Jaehyun was so proud of me!" "Taeyong I'm very happy for you. When are you seeing him again?" Jihoon couldn't help notice the change in the boy even through the phone. "I don't know! He always tells me I have to wait. Usually just a few days. Jihoon I'm so happy. I really did it!" 

 

 

When he was off the phone he threw himself down on the couch. A million thoughts ran through his mind. The things he wanted to do, the places he wanted to go, the things he wanted to feel. He remembered Jaehyun's words in his ear and they made him feel hot all over. 

“I won't touch you until you want me to."

He wondered what it would feel like to be touched. He imagined Jaehyun's hands on his bare skin and cringed. He remembered Jaehyun breathing hot words into his ear, telling Taeyong he wanted to run his tongue all over his body, how close he was without touching him. His anxiety rose, his mind was a whirl of confusion but his body filled with need and Taeyong realised he was hard. He was hard for the first time in as long as he could remember and he didn’t know what to do.

 

 

 

Jaehyun wandered barefoot in his tiny apartment. He couldn't stop thinking about today. He wanted Taeyong so bad, it was frightening really, the more fragile the broken boy appeared the more he wanted him. Jaehyun hadn't wanted to be tough on Taeyong in the coffee shop but he knew it was the only way to make a breakthrough. He had never felt a rush like he had felt when he dominated Taeyong over the coffee. He had liked it too much and scared himself. 

 

He sat on the edge of his bed and thought of all the ways he wanted to push Taeyong. His whole body felt hot at the thought of driving Taeyong to his limits, physically and emotionally, helping him to experience things he didn’t even know he was missing out on. But it was more than just physical, he missed the broken boy already, but he wanted to both protect him and break him even more. Before he could back out he grabbed his phone and dialled.

 

 

Taeyong's body was confusing his brain. He couldn't remember the last time he was hard. Living with constant crippling anxiety left no room for arousal and the idea of touching himself repulsed him just as much as someone else’s hands on his body. Until Jaehyun came into his life with his soothing honey voice and his chocolate eyes he’d never even considered that he might actually want to be touched. What was happening to him?

 

He groaned and doubled over. Arousal turned to pain, the pain of years of repressed feelings, the pain of desire without release. He took deep breaths and hoped it would just pass. But before it did he heard a familiar buzzing sound. He grabbed for the phone and answered it.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Ah, I don't really know why I'm calling, I just wanted to hear your voice." Jaehyun confessed. "I'm glad you called. I was thinking about you." Taeyong replied through clipped curt breath. "I need to thank you for today. I never thought I would be so brave. But I was. Thanks to you." 

Taeyong's voice was unusually husky and Jaehyun immediately worried. "Taeyong are you ok? You sound out of breath." Jaehyun could tell he wasn't right. "Yeah I'm fine,” Taeyong said as he winced with pain. "Taeyong I know you're lying. Tell me the truth." Jaehyun's voice became commanding again and Taeyong couldn’t disobey him.

"Um. This is really embarrassing," Taeyong said as his voice was a strained whisper. "I'm hard, Jaehyun, I was thinking about what you said, about running your tongue all over me, and I'm hard. I can't remember the last time I had an erection and I don't know what to do." Jaehyun could hear panic rising in Taeyong's voice and he knew he needed guidance. He needed Jaehyun to help him in a way that was safe. "Listen to me Taeyong and do exactly what I say. Put the phone on speaker and go into your bathroom. You feel safe in the shower, right?" "Yes." Taeyong replied.

"Run the shower and take your clothes off. Ok?"

Taeyong did as Jaehyun told him, getting in the shower.

"Now get your soap or whatever you like to use to wash. You're just going to wash yourself. Ok?" "Ok. I'm washing myself..." Jaehyun could hear Taeyong's voice over the noise of the shower. 

"Now. You're going to wash your dick. You usually do that, right?" Jaehyun heard a noise which he assumed was an agreement. "You're going to wash carefully though. Up and down. Slowly but grip it tight. Are you doing what I'm telling you?" 

 

"Yes." Taeyong answered. "How's your anxiety?" "10. I'm scared. Of the stuff.... you know...." "I know. That's why I made you get in the shower. You won't even see it." Jaehyun's honey voice was back. "Ok now wash harder. And a bit faster. Ok?" There was no answer but silence and Jaehyun pushed again. "Answer me Taeyong," Jaehyun commanded and Taeyong didn’t disobey. "I'm doing it." Taeyong's breath was becoming ragged and heavy and Jaehyun pictured him jerking himself off under the hot steamy stream.

 

Jaehyun could hear him gasping gently over the sound of the water. "Harder. Harder, Taeyong," Jaehyun encouraged him and urged him on and it worked. "I’m doing it Jaehyun,” Taeyong responded and Jaehyun soon heard a low long moan over the noise of the shower. Then silence. Then the shower turned off. 

 

“Do you feel better?" Jaehyun asked. "Yes. Thank you." Taeyong was still breathless. "Good boy. Now go to bed. You did well and I'm so proud of you Taeyong. Goodnight." The phone clicked and Jaehyun was gone. 

 

Taeyong couldn't believe he had just jerked off in the shower. He felt exhilarated again. His first orgasm. The chemicals pumping through his brain gave him such a high as he crawled into bed and soon fell into a deep sleep. He didn't even realise he forgot to wash his hands.

 

 

 

Jaehyun rolled over on the bed. He put his hand down inside his shorts and clenched it around his dick. He ground his hips and thrust against his hand until he came hard, and called Taeyong's name into the night. He knew it was wrong on so many levels but Taeyong was becoming his weakness and his guilty pleasure. And he had no intention of stopping what they’d started any time soon.


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

Jaehyun woke up the next morning feeling amazing. It was working already, he knew it was, Taeyong was already becoming less hesitant. Drinking the coffee was a huge step forward. So was the shower. He was actually progressing quicker than Jaehyun had predicted. Jaehyun wasn't sure if he should slow down as too much too soon might backfire. There was so much he didn’t know and Taeyong was unpredictable.

He rolled over, reveling in the feeling of a day off, a rare day when he had nowhere to be. He was just dozing off when his phone lit up.

_**Today, 8:21am**  
**Hey, day off? Let's grab a coffee** _

_**Today, 8:22am**  
**Could we maybe wait until the sun is fully up?** _

Jaehyun laughed. Johnny would have already been for a run, put in half an hour of weights, had breakfast and all before 8am. Even on a day off. Some people were morning people. Jaehyun was not one of them.

_**Today, 8:28am**  
**Coffee shop 10am?** _

_**Today, 8:30am**  
**No probs** _

Jaehyun smiled as he rolled over and grabbed a manga off his bedside table. He would get up when he had to. For now, he was going to relax. He tried to read but his mind kept wandering back to the broken boy, now white haired, still fragile. He hated leaving him hanging every time they were together. He wanted to tell him he would call him, he would text him, he would think of him. But it wasn't what Taeyong needed. Taeyong needed discipline.

Jaehyun was still smiling as he walked into the coffee shop and found Johnny already there waiting with his favorite flat white on the table.

"Hey. How are things?" Johnny was clearly keen for gossip. "Good,” was all Jaehyun replied. "Sure? You still seeing your guy?" Johnny quizzed. "Yeah why wouldn't I be?" Jaehyun stirred 4 sugars into his coffee and watched it swirl around. "Wendy saw Doyoung and she said someone saw you guys arguing here in the coffee shop." Johnny said quietly. "We weren't arguing. It's complicated Johnny, and I don't really want to talk about it." Jaehyun immediately closed down and Johnny knew when to quit and changed the subject. "All that sugar's no good for you."

They finished their coffees as they made small talk. "Catch you soon," Johnny said as he got up and left. Jaehyun decided to order another. When he went to the counter Ten came out to see him with a delighted look on his face. "Hey. You know how you owe me one?" "Yeah." Jaehyun answered. "Can you give me your friend's number?" He smiled shyly at the ground. "Sure. You're just his type." Jaehyun winked at Ten and scribbled Johnny's number on a napkin and pushed it across the counter.

 

Jaehyun wandered around the campus for an hour just thinking about white hair and chapped skin and eyes hidden deep inside a dark hood. He wanted to call Taeyong so badly but he knew it was too soon. He needed to be strong. He needed to make him wait.

 

 

Taeyong woke up in his bubble. As soon as he opened his eyes emotions boiled through him like a thunderstorm. Excitement, guilt, shame, pleasure and pain all fought for dominance inside his mind. He curled up in his bed and tried to process his turbulent thoughts. He remembered Jaehyun's voice, as sweet and smooth as milk coffe, on the phone telling him how to do it. He honestly thought Jaehyun could talk him into anything. He smiled, picturing Jaehyun's rich chocolate eyes and his deep adorable dimples.

 

Embarrassment took suddenly over as he remembered what he’d done. What did Jaehyun think of what he did? How broken was he that he couldn't even jerk off like a normal guy? What sort of a man needed help with literally everything in his life? Tears of shame dropped from his eyes onto his pillow and he sniffled as he buried his face in the clean cool cotton.

His hands began to itch and crawl. He remembered the sensation of touching himself but in the cold light of day the pleasure was gone. Only the panic remained. Taeyong jumped out of bed and ripped all the sheets off. He pulled off the pillowcases. He shoved the whole lot into the washing machine and turned it on to hot wash. He got in the shower and washed his hair and brushed his teeth. He washed his whole body, scrubbing frantically at his hands, he washed his hair again. He lost count of how many times he went over this routine before his anxiety subsided, and when he finally turned off the hot water his hands were bleeding where the skin had chaffed. His gums were also bleeding and he had chewed the inside of his lip again. He was a mess.

As he got dressed and the anxiety subsided, he remembered how good it felt. Physical release for Taeyong was usually only for the stage. When he was on stage focused on his music he was comfortable. He put 100% of himself into his performances. He had come to terms with that being the only pleasure in his life. But something had awakened inside him. Something had changed.

He walked into the kitchen with a strange urge for something. He suddenly wanted coffee. He never drank coffee, had never made a cup at home, he actually didn't even know if he had any. He opened his huge pantry and searched the neatly ordered and labelled sealed containers. He found two - one labelled instant coffee and one labelled sugar - and he got them both out. He found an electric kettle brand new still in the box and coffee mugs in the back of the cupboard. Jihoon had thought of everything when he set this apartment up last year. Taeyong had lived in a company dorm while he was a minor but when he turned 20 he purchased the apartment as a gift to himself. He wasn't sure if his own space gave him room to breathe or if it allowed himself to get out of hand.

He took an antiseptic wipe and wiped the bench. He took the new kettle out and rinsed the inside before he filled it with water and plugged it in. He washed his hands. He inspected the mug even though he knew it had never been used and decided it didn't need the dishwasher. He just washed it in the sink with hot water. He took a spoon out of the dishwasher and put one spoon of coffee into the cup. He added four sugars. He thought of Jaehyun as he added the sugars. He flushed with embarrassment again, wondering what Jaehyun thought of him after last night, before he washed his hands again.

After he filled the cup with hot water he carried it to the table. He didn't even want to drink it. Just the smell was enough to take him back to the coffee shop. He wanted to text Jaehyun and tell him about the coffee but he decided not to. He sipped the coffee with trepidation and found that he liked it. For the first time in a long time he felt quietly happy.

 

 

 

Jaehyun walked past the campus bookstore. It was his favorite place. There was a quiet little garden right next door and he thought about how much he wanted to bring Taeyong here. He decided he definitely would. When the broken boy was ready.


	9. Chapter 9

 

Six days passed. Six long days of Jaehyun going through the motions of everyday life. Empty motions without Taeyong's voice. He worked, he studied, he controlled himself. He knew that making Taeyong wait worked. Using other emotions to override his anxiety seemed to be a successful strategy. But he had enough of waiting and was time to push him again.

** Today, 8:19pm **   
**Are you free tomorrow?**

** Today, 8:19pm **   
**I'm always free for you** 😊 ** can we go to the coffee shop? **

** Today, 8:21pm **   
**I have something else in mind. Can you meet me at work at 2pm?**

** Today, 8:22pm **   
**Sure see you then**

Jaehyun was over the moon. He wasn't sure if Taeyong was ready for the bookshop but they would soon find out.

 

 

 

Taeyong curled up in his bed clutching his phone. The last six days had been a constant rollercoaster of emotions and he hadn't spoken to Jaehyun since the ‘shower incident’. He had wanted to text a million times but he also wanted Jaehyun to know he could be strong. He asked Jihoon for work to keep him busy and Jihoon booked him some phone interviews and a magazine shoot. The magazine shot their photo spread in his apartment which was easier for Taeyong but then he cleaned the whole next day. At least it passed the time until the text from Jaehyun. He couldn't wait for tomorrow to come.

He woke early the next day. He worked in his home studio until 12pm. When he woke up with ideas in his head he wanted to get them out as soon as he could and he buried himself in his passion until it was finally time.

Taeyong showered and got dressed in clothes that made him feel comfortable. Ripped jeans, a black tshirt and a black hoodie were his standard. He was glad the weather was getting cooler, people looked at him weirdly when he dressed like this in the summer, but in winter he was welcome to hide himself away under layers of material and fabric. He suddenly changed his mind, overwhelmed with a need to change it up, and he started rifling through his huge closet. It was full of things worn only once for schedules and appearances, things given to him after shoots, things sent by companies. He found a pair of tan trousers and put them on. He then searched for something he knew he must have somewhere. He found what he was looking for and replaced his black tshirt with a fitted white v neck. He added the black beanie and black hoodie on his way out the door though. He needed them.

 

 

 

Jaehyun waited outside the clinic. He almost didn't recognise Taeyong walking towards him. He looked amazing. Gone were his usual black ripped jeans and faded black tshirt. He was walking towards Jaehyun in tan pants and a tight white tshirt which showed off the boy’s slim waist and slight build. He carried his black hoodie and backpack and a  black beanie and mask hid his identity. Jaehyun had never seen him like this. He looked like something straight out of a magazine.

For the first time since meeting Taeyong Jaehyun felt inadequate. He looked down at his own tshirt and jeans choice in disappointment.

For the first time since meeting Taeyong Jaehyun saw him as TY the famous rapper.

"Hey." Taeyong smiled under his mask but Jaehyun could see it in his eyes.

"Hey." Jaehyun's returned smile exposed his dimples.

"Where are we going?" Taeyong asked shyly. "I remember you wanting to take me to the bookshop?" Taeyong nodded. "Bookshop it is. And there's somewhere I want to show you first."

They headed across the campus. A few people stared at Taeyong. No one seemed to recognise him but he looked like someone special. Taeyong felt uncomfortable and wished he had stuck to his jeans.

They reached the little park near the bookshop and Jaehyun led Taeyong to a secluded corner. There was a bench partially hidden behind a big lavender bush and a huge willow tree hung over the garden. Jaehyun sat on the bench. Taeyong sat reluctantly next to him. "How's your anxiety?" Jaehyun asked. "5." Taeyong said. "I can sit as long as my skin doesn't touch. This is nice. I love the smell of lavender." 

There was no one around so he took off his mask and beanie and tipped his face towards the sun. Jaehyun almost gasped. Every time they were apart it was easy to forget exactly how stunning the boy was. His platinum white hair made him unreal looking. His flawless skin glowed in the sun. His eyes were squinted shut in the bright light and as he opened them he turned towards Jaehyun and smiled and Jaehyun's heart almost stopped. He stared at his perfect rose coloured lips and wondered what they tasted like and was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to find out.

"Are you ok?" Taeyong asked him. "You seem quiet." Jaehyun laughed. "You're just so stunningly beautiful. I was distracted. I was wondering what your lips taste like,” he boldly admitted and Taeyong’s smile was flushed with embarrassment. 

"Taeyong. About the phone the other night. I hope I didn't go too far. You know if you don't want to do something you can say no." Jaehyun's face was had turned serious and Taeyong's face flushed again. "I wanted it Jaehyun,” he said softly. "I want more than that. I just can't yet." Taeyong stared at his chafed and healing hands. "I had a hard time the next morning but I managed. It was my first time Jaehyun. I've never done anything like that before." 

 

That surprised Jaehyun. "If you were having a hard time you could have called me,” Jaehyun said softly and Taeyong frowned. "But you said not to. And I wanted to prove to you that I could be strong." Taeyong continued to stare at his hands and Jaehyun's heart broke to match the broken boy next to him. "Taeyong, sometimes a part of being strong is being strong enough to ask for help." His voice was soft and thickly sweet like honey and Taeyong turned to Jaehyun in surprise. "Really?" He asked, suddenly more childlike than ever. "Yes. Really." Jaehyun smiled. "I'd really like to give you a hug right now but I know you couldn't bear it. Let's go to the bookshop."

When they got to the bookshop Jaehyun was relieved to see it wasn't busy. There were a few people wandering around. "How's your anxiety?" Jaehyun asked. "10,” Taeyong immediately responded. “I've never been here. I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to touch anything,” he whispered. "It will be fine. And if you need to leave, we can leave." Jaehyun opened the door for Taeyong and led him straight to the back. 

"This is my favorite section." Jaehyun said as he looked around at the shelves full of mangas and anime art books. He began to pick up book after book and leaf through them. Taeyong stared at him wishing he could do the same. He felt like he was truly seeing Jaehyun in his element, radiating calm energy like an angel, with his fluffy mop of dark brown hair and his chocolate eyes that disappeared when he smiled. 

 

Taeyong watched him move along the bookshelf and for the first time he looked at Jaehyun's body. Narrow at the waist and broad at the shoulders, Taeyong could see his biceps slightly bulging under the sleeves of his tshirt. He looked down and noticed the shape of his thighs through his tight jeans and the curve of his ass cupped by tight denim. Jaehyun turned to the shelf on the other side and Taeyong's eyes followed him. He couldn’t stop staring at Jaehyun’s ass and he was starting to feel hot. What was happening to him? His mind flashed back to Jaehyun's honey voice urging him on as he touched himself and he began to sweat. It was happening again. "Jaehyun," He tried to call out but it was only a whisper. "Jaehyun. I need help."

Jaehyun turned around in surprise. Taeyong's face was red and he was glistening with a fine film of sweat. “Taeyong, what's the matter? Are you ok?" Jaehyun was worried. "Jaehyun. I need to leave. It's happening again. I... I was just watching you." Taeyong stuttered over the words. "Can we leave?" He said as his eyes flicked around and Jaehyun could see his panic painted all over his face.  "Of course,” Jaehyun said and headed for the door.

 

Once they got outside Jaehyun turned to Taeyong who was gasping for breath. "Taeyong. You're having a panic attack. Slow down your breathing and tell me what's wrong." Jaehyun tried to soothe him but it wasn't working. "Jaehyun, I.... I was watching you. I was just looking..." his voice was ragged again. He looked down at his crotch and so did Jaehyun. "Taeyong," Jaehyun couldn't hide his shock. "Taeyong are you hard again?" Taeyong tuned to him and nodded and his eyes rolled back in his head as he fainted.


	10. Chapter 10

 

  
Jaehyun caught Taeyong as he fainted. He knew he wouldn't be happy about the physical contact but in the moment he had no choice. He cradled Taeyong’s head as he searched for his phone and quickly unlocked it.

"Wendy. Its Jaehyun,” he said when she picked up. “Can you unlock the side door of the clinic? I'll explain later." He hung the phone up and shifted his weight under the unconscious boy in his arms.

"Taeyong, I know you're not going to be happy about this, but you will just have to bear it,” he whispered into the broken boy’s ear.

He slung Taeyong's backpack onto his back. He scooped the boy up into his arms as gently as he could and slowly stood up. He made a silent note to thank Johnny for dragging him to the gym as he easily lifted the broken boy hung lifeless in his arms. He was lighter than he should be, Jaehyun managed the boy's weight with ease, and guessed that he didn't eat the way he should with such a demanding career. He hoped his cast wasn't digging into his skin as he walked the short distance across the campus with Taeyong in his arms. It was late in the day and no one really crossed his path and for that Jaehyun was grateful. He didn't want to have to answer questions. 

 

 

 

Taeyong dreamed he was being rocked. Rocked in someone's arms like a baby. He felt warm, warmer than he had felt in forever. Warm and safe, like he was floating weightless in a deep dark pool, like he was cocooned inside a hammock on a warm summer afternoon. It was the nicest dream he’d ever had.

 

 

 

Jaehyun made it to the clinic and was relieved to see the side door open. As he entered Wendy bounced out from another room but her face quickly fell when she saw the lifeless bundle in Jaehyun's arms. "Jae is he ok?" "Yes Wendy, he fainted. He just has low blood sugar ok?" Jaehyun shot her a look which she instantly understood. She returned to the front desk mumbling under her breath as Jaehyun took Taeyong into an empty treatment room. He laid him gently on the bed and closed and locked the door behind them.

He returned to Taeyong's side and breathed in sharply as he leaned over the lifeless body on the bed. He looked like a sleeping angel. Jaehyun removed his beanie and stroked the broken boy’s hair softly even though he knew he shouldn’t.  He just looked so beautiful and it was irresistible, drawing Jaehyun in like the proverbial moth, flying dangerously close to the flame.

 

Jaehyun wondered for a brief moment if he leaned in and kissed him would Taeyong remember when he woke up? He snapped out of it and got up and walked away as he realised what he was considering. "Jae what is wrong with you,” he whispered to himself and the sound of his voice finally roused the broken boy. 

 

He turned around to see Taeyong's eyelids fluttering and Jaehyun rushed to his side. "Taeyong, I'm so sorry, I had to carry you," Jaehyun half confessed as he knew the truth was better than a lie. Although, frightening to his conscience, it was only part of the truth. He left the hair stroking out. "You carried me? Did you touch my skin?" Taeyong tried to sit as panic built but he still felt dizzy and laid back down. "No, no, only your clothes." Jaehyun said and Taeyong seemed a little relieved. "Ok. Did you really carry me here? Where am I?" He suddenly sat up again and looked around in panic. "It's ok. We're at the clinic." Jaehyun said. He sat on the chair next to the bed and made a decision to confess before his guilt ate him alive.

"I'm sorry Taeyong. I did touch you. I stroked your hair, I couldn’t resist you, I got carried away in the moment. Can you forgive me?" Tears formed in Jaehyun's eyes. He felt so weak and he knew he had broken Taeyong's trust but Taeyong smiled weakly at him. "It's ok. I forgive you,” he croaked out of his dry throat and Jaehyun instantly melted. He had fallen so quick and so deep for this beautiful broken boy, so quick to fall into the dark depths of anxiety, to quick to trust and forgive.

 

"I'm sorry too," Taeyong said unexpectedly. "I shouldn't have been looking at you in the bookshop. I got carried away too. I couldn't control myself and I ruined our day, I wanted us to have fun, I wanted to buy you a book and have you smile at me and I loved the garden. It was so nice. And I ruined it." Taeyong began to cry and his pain was stunningly beautiful and breathtaking. Jaehyun just wanted to break him, over and over again, to subject himself to the exquisite agony of Taeyong’s suffering. Nothing had ever been more alluring.

He leaned as close as he could without touching him. "Taeyong. You got hard just by looking at me. Right?" His breath was warm in Taeyong's ear making the broken boy shiver with cold heat all over his body.

 

"And you know that I already touched you over your clothes. Right?" Taeyong nodded again and Jaehyun moved even closer making him flinch a lottle. "Ok, I'm going to touch you again. If your anxiety gets out of control tell me to stop and I will stop. Do you want to try this?" Taeyong closed his eyes tight and nodded. "I won't touch your bare skin. I promise.” Jaehyun's breath was icy fire as he moved in even closer to let it ghost across Taeyong’s neck. "One day you will beg me to touch you and kiss you all over. Taeyong I'm going to make you fall in love with me." 

Jaehyun ran his hand over Taeyong's clothes chest. He felt him stiffen under his touch but the boy didn't protest. He stroked across Taeyong's soft stomach with one hand. "Remember to breathe," Jaehyun said as his voice became commanding. His need to dominate, to own and to wreck, to break the boy completely was taking over. He ran his hand up Taeyong's chest and let his thumb linger over Taeyong's nipple. 

 

The barely broken boy gasped for breath as his nipple hardened under his tshirt and Jaehyun climbed onto the tiny clinic bed. He leaned over Taeyong with fierce eyes of hunger and he withered under his need to be satisfied. "Open your eyes. I want to you look at me." Jaehyun breathed and Taeyong did as he was told. He stared into Jaehyun's eyes as Jaehyun moved his hand down his chest again and continued even lower. He stroked the inside of Taeyong's thigh, tempting and shrinking under his hand, sparking more desire than Jaehyun had ever felt. When he moved his hand up, he felt Taeyong's erection straining against his pants, and he wasn’t at all surprised. "Your body knows what it needs and I'm going to give it to you Taeyong. Ok?" His deep brown eyes stared at the broken boy until he submitted and nodded a silent agreement.

"I really wish I could kiss you," Jaehyun breathed against Taeyong's neck. He laid down on the bed beside him and Taeyong could feel Jaehyun's own erection digging into his hip bone as Jaehyun rubbed in between his legs. Taeyong's anxiety was climbing quickly but so was his arousal and they fought a fierce but silent war. 

 

Jaehyun undid his zip and quickly shoved his hand in between Taeyong's pants and boxers before he could protest. He stroked Taeyong's dick up and down through the soft cloth as he felt the boy twist and writhe next to him. His hand moved faster in time with Taeyong's quick breaths as he felt the broken boy self destruct under his touch. "I'll make you cum Taeyong,” Jaehyun was almost seething with urgency, “I'll make you cum a thousand times if that's what it takes." He moved his hand faster as Taeyong arched his back and his body went rigid. "I'll make you love me. I'll make you want me." Taeyong whimpered and stiffened every muscle and his bottom lip began to bleed where it was fixed between his teeth.

 

"Shhhhhh... don't let Wendy hear you..." Jaehyun warned him but didn't slow down. Taeyong's body twitched and he moaned softly as he came all through his boxers. He panted and gasped and when he finally got his breath back, he realised he was dirty.

"Help me Jaehyun,” he panicked. "I need my backpack." Jaehyun passed him the bag wordlessly and Taeyong rummaged through it for what he needed. He got out antiseptic wipes, tissues and a brand-new pair of boxers sealed in a Ziplock bag and lined them up in front of him on the bed.

 

"Please don't watch me." His eyes pleaded for privacy and Jaehyun turned around. Taeyong busied himself with cleaning up and Jaehyun didn’t watch him but he had to speak now while the wound was still fresh. "I'm not even sorry,” Jaehyun said to him while his back was turned. "I meant it. I can't be around you Taeyong. I'm trying to help you but I also want you so bad. I want you to want me. I want you to love me." 

 

Tears filled Jaehyun's eyes as he suddenly felt guilt overwhelming him. Was he helping Taeyong or making him worse? He really didn’t know anymore how much of this was for Taeyong and how much was for his own twisted pleasure. He sat back on the clinic bed and closed his eyes but it didn't work. He couldn’t contain the two big tears that rolled out of them and down his cheeks. 

Then out of nowhere he felt something warm on him. He opened his eyes in surprise to find Taeyong crawling into his lap like a chastised child. "You are helping,” the broken boy whispered as he wrapped his skinny arms around Jaehyun's waist. "And it's working. I think you're making me fall in love with you."


	11. Chapter 11

Jaehyun held his breath while he looked down at the broken boy in his lap. He tentatively raised his hand over Taeyong's white hair, stroking it softly, barely touching him. He looked so beautifully fragile. Taeyong didn't flinch from the touch the way Jaehyun expected. He just stiffened and gripped Jaehyun's tshirt.

  
"How's your anxiety?" Jaehyun asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"9," Taeyong mumbled. "But I don't want to let go of you."

But eventually he had to. Jaehyun sneaked Taeyong out the side door of the clinic into the dark and cool night air. Taeyong pulled his hoodie over his head as they walked to the carpark of the University.

"Thanks," Taeyong whispered as he opened the door of his car. "I'll text you in the morning," Jaehyun whispered back as Taeyong climbed into the backseat of his vehicle and Jaehyun noticed the driver. "So, this guy just sits here and waits for you?" He asked, more than a little surprised, and Taeyong nodded with embarrassment. "Ah, yeah, the company won’t let me drive myself." Taeyong said with a smile and closed the door behind him.

Jaehyun smiled all the way home.  
Taeyong did too.

When he got home and was safe in his bubble Taeyong went through his routine. Shower. Shampoo. Toothbrush. Soap. Shampoo again. Toothbrush again. He thought of Jaehyun's fingers running softly through his hair. It made him feel warm inside, the sensation was new and a little disconcerting. He remembered the feeling of Jaehyun's hands all over his body, touching him in ways that made him feel good and bad at the same time. He hated it so much and yet he craved it again.

He climbed into bed even though it was early. His mind and body were exhausted. He realised he forgot to wash his hands but for once he was too exhausted to care.

Taeyong woke the next day in a panic. What had he done? He couldn't believe he let Jaehyun do those dirty things to him. What would he think of him? He scrubbed his hands over and over. He tried to get some fruit out for breakfast but his stomach was in knots, he was so dirty, and he let Jaehyun contaminate himself with his hands all over Taeyong’s filthy skin. He flopped onto his couch. Jaehyun must feel so disgusted. He wondered if he would ever see Jaehyun again.

His phone lit up.

_** Today, 9:21am **   
**Lets try yesterday again. Please?** _

_** Today, 9:23am **   
**Yes please** _

  
**Today 9:24am**   
**Coffee shop? 2pm? It's less busy after the lunchtime rush**

_** Today, 9:25am **   
**I'll be there** _

 

Jaehyun was joyous. He didn't know what Taeyong's reaction was going to be but he did know that for once it was better not to wait. He had to make him confront it now sooner rather than later.

 

 

 

Jaehyun arrived at the coffee shop at 1:55pm and was shocked to find Taeyong already there waiting, sitting in the corner at their favorite table. He had his standard beanie, black tshirt and ripped jeans combo on today but his mask and hoodie were off.

"Hey." Jaehyun's smile showed off his dimples.

  
"Hey. I already ordered your flat white." Taeyong smiled back.

"How?" Jaehyun asked. "What do you mean how? Ten was at the counter as I walked in and I just asked him to bring your usual when you got here." Jaehyun's surprise was giving Taeyong delight. "I told you. I think it's working." He said as he smiled softly at his chapped hands and only then did Jaehyun noticed them. "Taeyong, they look bad today, did I do that to you?" Taeyong shook his head. "No. I did this to myself. All I could think about this morning was how I contaminated you. I didn't want anything bad to happen to you. What if you get sick?" Jaehyun was shocked. "Me? Taeyong you aren't going to contaminate me. When you get that bad thought I want you to call me. Remember what I said? About being strong?" Taeyong nodded.

Ten smiled at them. "One flat white, one long black. Don't empty out my sugar bowl today guys. " He winked at them as he walked off.

"Ha!" Jaehyun just laughed and added four sugars to his cup. Taeyong smiled and did the same and for a while they sat in silence.

"Jaehyun," Taeyong was the one to break it. "I really want you to try to kiss me." He blushed at the untouched coffee in front of him. "Do you think I will be able to do it?"

"Not yet. You're not ready." Jaehyun saw his face fall. "Taeyong." He said softly. "Are you going to drink the coffee?" Taeyong shrugged staring at it. "Could you if I drank some first?" Taeyong shook his head. "When you can share a drink with me from the same glass or bottle then I will know you're ready." 

He reached out and stroked Taeyong's arm carefully. "You've come so far. Look. I bet you never thought you would allow me to do this." He saw Taeyong smile  as he looked down at Jaehyun’s hand tracing across his skin. "I'm so proud of your progress. Feel good about yourself please. And hurry up and drink your coffee so we can go to the bookstore." "And the park?" The broken boy stared at the coffee. "Yes, if you want to." Jaehyun would do anything Taeyong wanted to. But he couldn't let the boy know it yet. Taeyong took a deep breath, took a huge gulp of the coffee and pushed the cup away. "Let's go."

The bookstore was busier than last time. "How's your anxiety?" Jaehyun pushed the door open for Taeyong. "9. I feel stronger than yesterday. I feel a bit shaky but I think that's just the coffee on an empty stomach," Taeyong replied. Jaehyun made a mental note to come back to this conversation again.

They made their way to the back where the good stuff was. "If I see something I like will you show me?" Taeyong's big brown doe eyes stared up at Jaehyun and he felt like he was melting. How could he say no. "I will this time. Next time we come you will have to pick them up yourself. Ok?" Taeyong nodded. "No looking at my butt today though!" Jaehyun laughed as Taeyong pouted.

"That one!" He pointed excitedly to a thick black and white manga. "Death Note!" Jaehyun picked it up and opened it. "I've read them all. They're really good!" Taeyong's delight at seeing the artwork was palpable. "That one!" He pointed at another, this one brightly coloured. Jaehyun opened the pages of the Sailor Moon manga. "I'm not into magical girls." He wrinkled his nose and Taeyong laughed. Was it the first time Jaehyun had heard him truly laugh? It was light, and reluctantly airy, and beautiful. Taeyong was like an excited child, pointing at this manga and that one, Jaehyun picking them up and showing him what was between the covers. 

"I want to buy you one like I promised." Taeyong's eyes were shining with pure joy. "And I want to pick it out!" "Ok." Jaehyun smiled gently at him.

Taeyong searched the shelves, looking for something that looked just right. His eyes scanned the mangas and the art books and when they spotted it his eyes lit up. "That one!" He pointed to a large hard cover book. 'Art of Princess Mononoke.' "I love Miyazaki." Jaehyun said softly as he picked it up. "This is a beautiful movie. Have you seen it Taeyong?" He shook his head. "Promise me we can watch it together." Jaehyun asked and Taeyong nodded. 

 

They headed to the counter. Jaehyun handed the book over and after it was scanned Taeyong pulled out his wallet from his backpack. He grabbed a credit card and waved the chip over the machine and smiled at Jaehyun as they stepped outside into the sun.

They sat in the park behind the big lavender. Jaehyun leafed through his book and talked about the movie and Taeyong leaned his head against Jaehyun's arm smiling like he was drunk. He was drunk. Drunk on Jaehyun. Drunk on happiness. He never wanted this day to end. 

"Jaehyun. I have had the best day of my life. I felt almost normal today." Taeyong's face was turned up towards the last light of the sun as he spoke. It was setting fast, casting his perfect face in rich shades of purple and pink and gold. Jaehyun's heart felt like it was going to explode and he turned to Taeyong. "Me too. I'm so proud of you today and I had such a great time. This was the best day ever." He wished with every fiber of his being that he could take Taeyong in his arms and kiss him but he knew he wasn’t ready. "I want you to do me a favor. Please." "Anything." Taeyong replied. "Please make sure you eat dinner tonight." Jaehyun said quietly as he tentatively reached out towards Taeyong.

Taeyong responded. He leaned over and buried his head in Jaehyun's chest. Jaehyun softly stroked his platinum white hair as the sun set and they both wished the day would never end.

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

Taeyong rolled over in his bed and stared out the window. He had fallen asleep with the blinds open and woke to a stunning view of the whole city. It had never looked more beautiful and he had never felt more alive. He furrowed his brow as he rolled over and grabbed for his phone to check the time. It was only 7:30am so why did he have 4 missed calls from Jihoon?

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun was having the best dream. He rolled over and held his pillow tighter, dreaming of holding a golden, fragile, broken boy in his arms. If only that annoying song would stop playing.... 

He opened his eyes and send death stares at his phone. He picked it up. It was 8:45am, he had 11 missed calls from Johnny, 3 from Doyoung and 1 from his mum. What was going on? He rang Johnny first.

"Hey man. What's happening?" He mumbled sleepily into the phone.

"What the fuck man?" Johnny yelled into the phone. "Your secret boyfriend is TY the hottest rapper in the country?!? Were you going to let us in on that big news?"

Jaehyun groaned. "No, I wasn't planning on telling you, or anyone else, not yet anyway. How did you know?" His phone binged and he pulled it away from his ear to view the message. Johnny sent him a screenshot of the Star Dispatch, the biggest pop culture website in the country, their main headline for the day on the front page of the news site. It was a picture of Jaehyun and Taeyong smiling at each other in the bookshop. The headline read "RECLUSIVE STAR RAPPER TY SPOTTED IN PUBLIC" and Jaehyun groaned again. He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing. "Well I guess it's out there now. Go ring Doyoung and Wendy and anyone else you need to gossip with. Text me later and I'll meet you for coffee." Jaehyun hung up from Johnny and immediately dialled his mum.

 

 

 

Taeyong rang Jihoon back. He had already looked at the screenshots Jihoon had sent to him and he knew he should be pissed about the invasion of privacy but he couldn't stop looking at the picture of Jaehyun smiling at him in the bookshop. They looked so happy, so perfectly suited for each other, and most of all it looked so normal. Jihoon picked up after two rings. "Hey,” Taeyong was tentative and spoke softly into the phone. "Are you mad?" "Mad? Why would I be mad? Taeyong this is the best thing you've ever done! And three weeks out from your album release! The CEO is very happy with you today Taeyong!" Taeyong smiled. Show business confused him sometimes but he knew that he didn't create nearly as much publicity as his company would like. "They want you to come in later for a meeting. Is this ok?" Jihoon asked carefully and Taeyong was quick to answer. "Sure." Taeyong said and he could almos hear Jihoon’s pride on the other end.

 

 

Jaehyun headed into the coffee shop. Johnny and Doyoung were waiting for him and was dreading this more than he thought he would. But, like ripping off a bandaid, better to just get the sting over and done with.

"Hey,” he said.

They just stared at him. He looked at Doyoung then Johnny. "What?" he finally asked as they stared at him like he had two heads all of a sudden.

"So, what's he like?" Doyoung asked. "You already know. I told you guys. He's quiet and sweet and we went on a date to the bookshop. He likes books and sitting in the sun and the smell of lavender. I don't know what you want to hear." "And you've just been hanging out here on campus with the most famous rapper in the country?" Johnny still couldn't get over his surprise and it irritated Jaehyun a little.

 

“You need to chill Johnny." Ten slid into the fourth chair and put a flat white down in front of Jaehyun breaking the mood and saving the situation. "I met him. He's just a normal guy. A bit skinny though." He smiled in that infectious way that made everyone smile with him and the air around them seemed to clear a little. "You knew?" Jaehyun asked at the same time as Johnny spat "YOU MET HIM?" 

"Yeah I met him and yeah I knew who he was. He seems sweet. No wonder with the way you guys load those coffees with sugar. You're a match made in heaven." Ten got up to get back to work. He tossed a wink at Johnny before he turned back into the kitchen. "You make sure you call me later," he said and he knew Johnny was watching him walk away.

Jaehyun grinned. "You can thank me now!" He was desperate to change the subject. "Thanks Jae," Johnny smiled. "We went out a few nights ago. He's cute and nice and fun. I think I really like him." He went uncharacteristically shy and stared down at the table while Doyoung rolled his eyes.

"I'm glad." Jaehyun smiled and Doyoung frowned at them both. "I'm gonna be fifth wheeling forever, aren't I?" They all laughed as Jaehyun added four sugars to the huge mug of milky coffee.   
  


 

 

Taeyong headed into his meeting with the CEO Mr Chen, and Jihoon. He sat on the couch in the CEO's office and tried to prepare himself for what was ahead and quickly stood when his boss walked in to the room. Jihoon spoke first. "Mr Chen knows about your struggles Taeyong, and he's glad that you're getting better. He has some ideas for your comeback." "I won’t tour. Not yet." Taeyong said quickly as he began to shrink into the chair. "No, Taeyong, I'm not going to pressure you into something you can’t do." Mr Chen began. "But I would like to suggest promoting on music shows. Even just one. It would be a major score for one of the networks. They would be fighting each other tooth and nail to get an exclusive appearance by TY."

 

Taeyong thought carefully about it. "Just one?" He whispered and Jihoon nodded. "Can Jaehyun come?" His eyes widened as he considered it and Jihoon nodded again. "I'll ask him. If he will come, I will do it. And I want to do a special stage. I've written something new and its not on the album." Jihoon panicked and looked at Mr Chen who nodded slowly. "Fine. Anything you want Taeyong."

"The other reason I wanted you to come today is so I can express to you how happy I am that you have found a friend who can help you overcome your obstacles. Taeyong, the company is fully supportive of your friendship with this Jaehyun. Anything you need Jihoon is authorised to provide. Ok?" Taeyong nodded. He had an idea. There was definitely something they could do for him. Something that would help him show Jaehyun exactly how he felt. 


	13. Chapter 13

 

Jaehyun had late classes and felt like he was dying by the time he got home. He was hungry, tired and cold. He was sick of the cast on his arm and couldn't wait to get it off. He had an appointment in three days to get it checked and he hoped it would be healed. He also had end of term exams coming up next week and he had been so distracted by Taeyong that he had to catch up on his studies or he’d risk failing and be couldn’t afford that.

 

Everywhere he went people stared at him, whispering, speculating on whether it was true that the dark-haired boy in the photos with TY was in fact Jung Jaehyun, psych student and coffee shop regular.

He kicked off his shoes and got straight into the shower. He felt better afterwards, warm in his pajamas, and made himself a lazy dinner of instant ramen. His phone it up just as he sat down to eat and when he saw the caller he shoved the ramen aside.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Are you mad?" Taeyong asked. "No." Jaehyun replied. "Good." Taeyong was relieved and exhaled the big breath he’d been holding.

"I already told my friends about you. I just didn't tell them who you were. I mean the TY thing." Jaehyun breathed softly into the phone. "I had already told them I met someone gentle and beautiful who likes books and the smell of lavender. I don't care about all that money and fame bullshit."

"Jaehyun, I know you don't, but it's a part of me. Not the money and fame but the music. I want you to know this part of me too. Are you prepared to be talked about if we are seen together? It's something I try to avoid but as you saw today it's not always possible. And it's not always bearable."

Jaehyun didn't hesitate. "I want all of you. Every part. Good and bad. I just want to be in your life. I don't care if I'm on the front page of every newspaper in the country. I called my mum today and I told her about us. She wants to meet you soon."

Taeyong's heart stopped briefly and started again with a flutter. "I would love that." He thought carefully about what to say next. He knew it was going to come up eventually and he also knew Jaehyun wouldn’t push him until he was ready. And he definitely wasn’t ready yet.

”I’ll tell you about my mum soon, I promise, I just can’t.... I’m not ready,” his voice broke a little and Jaehyun was quick to soothe him. "When you're ready you will know. And I'll be there to listen." Jaehyun's honey voice was sweet and comforting and wrapped around Taeyong like soft cotton wool.  He knew just how to soothe Taeyong's fragile soul.

"I'm going to be busy this week. I have a lot of choreo to learn. I don't know when I'm going to have time." Taeyong's voice was small and sad.

"It's ok. I have exams next week. I probably can't let you distract me anyway. I actually still want to graduate." Jaehyun smiled through his disappointment.

"I'll have a surprise for you though. Next weekend. I'll text you with the details when I get them finalised. Ok?" "Ok." Jaehyun was curious as to what sort of surprise Taeyong could be planning. 

"Jaehyun, can I text you? I won’t call while you're studying for exams. But can I text?" 

"Anytime."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Jaehyun curled up into his bed. Ten days and they could be together again.

 

Jaehyun got through his exams. He didn't know how but he managed. Every morning Taeyong would text him.

_** Today, 7:16am **   
**Good luck today x** _

_** Today, 7:19am **   
**You too. Work hard! 9 days to go!** _

The messages were short and sweet, and just enough to keep him going. It had been a long week. 

Finally, it was Friday morning. The morning text came through.   
  


_** Today, 8:22am **   
**You have work today?** _

_** Today 8:23am **   
**Morning shift, finish at 2pm :-)** _

_** Today, 8:25am **   
**Pick you up at 7pm? Wear something nice.** _

_** Today, 8:31am **   
**Can't wait!** _

_** Today, 8:33am **   
**This is awkward. You will have to text me your address I don't know where you live** _

Jaehyun laughed aloud. He sometimes forgot they had only known each other for six weeks and there was still so much they didn't know about the other.

He walked to work smiling as per usual. He hadn't stopped smiling since Taeyong came into his life. The weather had changed while he was distracted by his exams and it was cool and fresh outside. He wondered if it would rain later. Wear something nice.... What did that mean?

As soon as he hit the desk Wendy appeared. "Hey. How's Mr Superstar?" "Don't know Wendy. We don't live in each other's pockets and please don’t call him that." Jaehyun rolled his eyes. She was getting harder and harder to put up with. He really didn’t understand why people were so fascinated with celebrity?

He made it through the shift and sent a text to Johnny on the way home asking for help.

_** Today, 2:07pm **   
**Wear something nice = what???** _

_** Today, 2:09pm **   
**Do you know where you're going?** _

_** Today, 2:14pm **   
**No clue** _

_** Today, 2:17pm **   
**I'm coming to help. Be there at 5pm** _

Jaehyun couldn't believe how nervous he was. Johnny helped him settle on a white button up shirt with a white undershirt and dark charcoal grey trousers. It wasn't cool enough for a jacket. "Do I need a tie?" Jaehyun's eyes gave away his nervousness. "Probably not,” Johnny smiled at him. He sat on Jaehyun's bed watching him fuss over different belts and necklaces, eventually settling on a plain belt and no jewelry.

 

"You were never this nervous about any of our dates, were you?" Johnny wondered aloud as he watched his friend fuss in front of the mirror. "No. But I also don't remember you planning any surprise dates and telling me to wear something nice either." Jaehyun laughed but then he suddenly leaned over and hugged Johnny. "What was that for?" Johnny couldn't hide his surprise. "I just want to thank you. I know things weren't great between us but if we didn't happen then I know that this wouldn't be happening. So, for that I'm grateful. You're also a great friend." Johnny looked up into Jaehyun's smiling eyes. "I hope he makes you happy." Johnny said softly even though he already knew the answer. It was written all over Jaehyun’s face whenever the name Taeyong danced across his lips.

"Aw man, you know I hate the feels!" Johnny broke the mood with a laugh. "Anyway, I gotta go. I promised to meet Ten when he closes the café at 7. I might as well go early and put the chairs up for him." Jaehyun saw Johnny smile to himself. "Have fun." He winked at Johnny as he left.


	14. Chapter 14

 

He waited downstairs. As he leaned against the wall of his building in the darkness, he was happier than he had ever been. He felt like both he and Johnny were finally moving on for good and he couldn't wait to see Taeyong. Tonight would be perfect no matter what the surprise was.

At 7pm on the dot the big black SUV pulled up by the curb and the door swung open. Taeyong leaned out and called out to Jaehyun to get in. He climbed into the backseat and no sooner had he sat down and the broken boy was in his lap. "I missed you,” a small voice whispered as Taeyong clung to him like a life raft. His hair was now purple. Lavender. Jaehyun stroked it and enjoyed the feeling of their bodies so close, so warm, their need for comfort and compassion feeding off each other. "Me too,” Jaehyun whispered back, “More than anything."

They sat side by side in comfortable silence as the black vehicle whizzed through the city. It made a few turns and finally pulled into an underground carpark that was completely empty. "Where are we?" Jaehyun finally asked. "You'll see!" Taeyong's eyes were shining with excitement. He looked amazing in all black, a single silver chain the only adornment to his natural beauty, and Jaehyun  was relieved to see he was not wearing a tie.

They entered an elevator which went straight up to the highest floor. 60. Jaehyun watched the numbers go up while they stood in silence. "How were your exams?" Taeyong finally asked. "Good. I managed to get some extra study in. I think I did well." Jaehyun smiled as he replied and Taeyong smiled back at him. "You're so smart. I know you did well." His words made Jaehyun feel like melting into the floor. His stomach was a bundle of nerves even though he was usually so self-assured. Taeyong has an effect on him unlike anything he’d ever experienced before and it was equal parts wonderful and exciting and terrifying. "I'm glad you finally got your cast off,” Taeyong lied. He liked the cast. It was a constant physical and tangible reminder of the day Jaehyun came into his life like an angel sent from heaven just for him.

The doors opened and Jaehyun was immediately rendered breathless. The restaurant was incredible. It was completely empty except for one table for two set up next to open doors leading to a glass walled balcony. A sea of city lights was spread out below. Lanterns burned, giving warmth to the cool night. Jaehyun turned to Taeyong's childlike face. "Do you like it?" Taeyong asked. "It's amazing. You did all this just for me?" Taeyong nodded excitedly. "Sometimes it's good to be TY."

They sat at the table and Jaehyun picked up the menu. "Order anything you want." Taeyong said as a waiter silently stood by the table waiting. Jaehyun ordered a rib eye steak and roasted vegetables. Taeyong just handed the waiter the menu back without ordering anything. The waiter just nodded and left, coming right back with a bottle of champagne. 

Jaehyun watched, curious to see that the waiter in fact poured two glasses. "I came in earlier and washed them myself." Taeyong seemed suddenly ashamed of his preparation for their date and picked at his scabbed hands while he blushed. "Hey. It's fine," Jaehyun soothed him, relived when Taeyong’s eyes looked up at him, thick lashes fringing the deep dark depths. "I just want to feel normal tonight." Taeyong smiled at him in his soft broken way and Jaehyun’s heart pounded in his chest.

Jaehyun was surprised to see the waiter bring two plates to the table. His was piled high with steak, perfectly cooked medium rare, and vegetables. Taeyong's plate had a meagre selection of fruits and something that looked like hard cheese. Jaehyun knew he had brought it with him. He also knew this was another breakthrough. The broken boy just wanted to know what it felt like to feel normal even if it was just for one night. Something that anyone else could do, going out on a date, sharing a meal punctuated by flirtatious glances and whispered words, was almost insurmountable for Taeyong. But here he was, trying so hard, reaching out with scabbed hands to grasp at the threads of some kind of normality.

Taeyong picked at his fruit as he unashamedly admired Jaehyun. He was mesmerised by Jaehyun cutting and eating the bloody steak, he watched every single strip of meat make its way past Jaehyun's lips, those full pink lips wrapping around every bite of food. He wished he could have just a taste, of the meat, of Jaehyun's lips. He felt himself getting hot again and gulped down a huge swig of the expensive champagne to try and calm the butterflies in his stomach and the pounding in his chest.

 

 

Jaehyun was lost in the night. The food was delicious, the champagne was too, but Taeyong’s overwhelming presence was the real source of his intoxication. He enjoyed the food and champagne knowing it was expensive. He watched Taeyong watch him eat with hungry eyes and twitching fingers. He could see the thunderstorm of emotions brewing in the boy’s mind. He watched Taeyong drink too much of the champagne knowing he could stop him but he didn't want to.

Taeyong finished the glass and called for another. He fidgeted with the stem of the flute. He finally broached the subject that had been on his mind all night. 

"Jaehyun, the company has asked me to make a music show appearance. Just one. It’s a huge step for me but I've already agreed." "Taeyong that's amazing! Are you sure you're ready though? They're not pushing you, are they?" Jaehyun finished the last bite of steak and put the fork down. He tentatively placed his hand on Taeyong's arm and when the boy didn't flinch, he squeezed gently. "I've agreed on one condition. That they allow me to have you there. Will you come?" The broken boy stared up at Jaehyun. Tears and candlelight sparkled in his eyes. "Of course." Jaehyun couldn’t tear his eyes away from Taeyong’s gaze. In that moment he was sure he could never refuse him anything.

The meal was cleared away and Taeyong led Jaehyun out onto the balcony. They stood in silence in the cool evening breeze. Winter definitely was on its way. Taeyong finished his second glass of champagne, his head beginning to swim already, but looked for the waiter's attention to bring another. Jaehyun offered his glass to Taeyong. He shook his head softly and called for his own.

He quickly drank half of it as soon as it arrived and Jaehyun looked at him quizzically. Taeyong smiled through his alcohol soaked haze. He felt warm even though it was cool. Jaehyun was leaning on the edge of the balcony and Taeyong just stared at him while he chewed his bottom lip. He stared at his perfect profile, his milky skin, his broad chest. He could see the outline of his biceps through the white shirt he was wearing and remembered that Jaehyun had carried him all the way from the bookstore to the clinic. He imagined Jaehyun's body under his white shirt, his chest strong, his stomach rock hard. He was getting that feeling again, the same feeling he had that day in the bookstore, the feeling that made fighting against his demons something to strive for. He took a deep breath and let his eyes wander all the way down to Jaehyun's thighs. He wondered what they looked like under the pants. Creamy, delicious, he thought to himself and giggled. He shouldn’t have drunk so much champagne. He felt a bit giddy and leaned on the edge of the balcony to steady himself as he closed his eyes in the refreshing cold breeze.

Jaehyun could feel himself burning under Taeyong's lustful gaze. He heard him giggle and he knew for sure the broken boy was at least slightly drunk. He should end it here, tell Taeyong to take him home, head into his apartment by himself, text Taeyong and thank him for a lovely evening. He knew what he should do. What he wanted to do was another thing entirely.

He moved behind Taeyong and put his arms around the boy's waist, pressing his body up against Taeyong's back. He stiffened but didn't flinch. Jaehyun didn't know if it was because he was getting more used to the feeling of Jaehyun's touch, or if the boy was just drunk, or a combination of the two. He didn't care. He leaned into Taeyong's neck and breathed hot words into his ear as his hands made their way up and down Taeyong's chest.

"I want you. Let me touch you tonight Taeyong. Just let me be with you. We can do as much or as little as you want. But please don't deny me. I want you so bad." Taeyong's mind was a mess. It was telling him to run, to hide, to scream, to say no. But his body and his heart were saying yes. He turned his body to face Jaehyun and buried his face in his chest. "Not here,” he mumbled. "Will you follow my rules? If you come to my place?" He looked up and Jaehyun nodded. The broken boy smiled. "Let's go."


	15. Chapter 15

The car ride to Taeyong's seemed like it went forever. Jaehyun nursed the broken boy in his lap in the car. He seemed so small and delicate as Jaehyun stroked his hair and his back through his shirt. He no longer flinched or stiffened his body in response. Jaehyun was sure it was just the champagne and the little giggles softly escaping from the beautifully broken creature in his lap were proof. 

Finally they arrived, the car entering an underground garage and the driver got out and opened the door for the boys. Taeyong clung to Jaehyun's arm like his life depended on it, like he was a life raft and Taeyong was adrift in an ocean of darkness, and Jaehyun’s warmth was the only thing saving him from being consumed.

Taeyong waved an electronic keycard in front of an elevator marked 'P'. When they stepped inside it had no buttons to choose the floor. "This is all mine." Taeyong smiled at Jaehyun. "Goes nowhere but home!"

The doors opened directly into a huge tiled entrance. "Shoes," Taeyong directed and hopped around on one foot and then the other taking his off. He disappeared into the room right next to the door. Jaehyun heard the water and guessed that he was washing his hands. He took off his own shoes and placed them neatly in the same way Taeyong's were lined up. Taeyong returned from the bathroom and seemed pleased with the shoe situation. "Can you wash? Please?" He asked and Jaehyun just smiled his acquiescence at him and went into the bathroom. Everything was white and spotless. The various toiletries and beauty products were all neatly organised. Jaehyun knew he was seeing the way Taeyong wished his mind was. It would be difficult to get him to accept chaos over order. 

He washed his hands and returned to find Taeyong waiting in the entrance. "Grand tour!" Taeyong announced as he clung to Jaehyun's arm. They walked down a long corridor past a few closed doors. "Spare bedrooms. Boring." Taeyong giggled. They reached the end of the corridor and Taeyong flicked a light switch in the end room on one side. A big room was illuminated with what seemed like 100 downlights. One whole wall was mirrors. "Dance room," Taeyong smiled brightly and Jaehyun understood this was a good place for him. He flicked the light on in the room opposite. "Recording studio." He smiled again as Jaehyun looked in and saw a fully equipped recording studio.

Jaehyun was in awe at the scale of the home and the equipment it contained. Taeyong led him to the end of the corridor and Jaehyun was shocked to see an open plan living area bigger than his whole apartment. One whole wall was glass. "This is where I live. It's the whole top floor." Taeyong was still clinging to Jaehyun’s arm seemingly unaware of the impressiveness of his home . "You want a drink?" He asked and Jaehyun got the feeling Taeyong was trying to distract him. He put his hand under Taeyong's chin and lifted the broken boys face up to meet his as his words, simple but resonant, flowed smoothly from his mouth. "Taeyong,” he said as he soaked in the fear and expectation in the other boy’s eyes. “Show me the bedroom."

Taeyong turned and blushed as his gaze fell to the floor. He headed to the middle of the living room and froze momentarily before pointing at a set of double doors. Jaehyun walked across the room and threw them wide open. A spotless bedroom was revealed on the other side. A king-sized bed covered with a plain charcoal grey cover stood beside a wall of mirrors and opposite a wall mounted tv.

Jaehyun stood in front of Taeyong and moved in close. He felt the boy’s breath hitch in his chest as he invaded the invisible bubble of safety Taeyong needed around him. "Do you hate me touching you so much?" He murmured and Taeyong sighed heavily. "Yes,” the broken boy whispered. "But it's also the only thing I can think about."

"Taeyong, if you don’t want this you need to tell me to leave right now. If I stay, I'm going to take you in there and touch you all over your body. I'm going to put my hands on your skin. I won't kiss you yet because I know you're not ready but I can list a hundred other places I want to put my mouth." Taeyong was silent. "Last chance." Jaehyun said. Taeyong shook his lavender hair. "Don't leave."

Jaehyun picked Taeyong up the same way he did the day he fainted and carried him into the bedroom. Taeyong felt an almost forgotten memory awaken in him, a memory of a time when the touch of another person meant safety, a feeling of security long buried beginning to awaken. Jaehyun set him down on the bed and leaned over him. "Are you sure you want this? You need to say yes. I'm not going to make you do this if you really don't want it." He leaned in closer and brushed his lips almost imperceptibly against Taeyong's neck letting hot breath ghost barely felt across sensitive skin. "But I think you want it. Don't you?" He rested his weight on his elbows and looked into Taeyong's eyes. They were squinted shut but the broken boy opened them and nodded tentatively.”I do want it." He whispered and Jaehyun let out the breath he was holding. "Say it again." Jaehyun urged as he touched his lips to Taeyong's neck. "Tell me you want me. Say you want it."

Jaehyun straddled Taeyong's hips and began to unbutton his shirt. "I said say it." He said sternly as he ran his hands across the bare skin of Taeyong's chest. He was smooth with barely a trace of fair hair across his pale skin. His nipples were pink and hard in the cool night air. Jaehyun rolled his tongue around one nipple while he rubbed his thumb across the other and Taeyong’s body arched involuntary at the intense sensation. Jaehyun stopped and sat up. "I said say it." He commanded as Taeyong burned under the heat of his eyes. "I want it." Taeyong whispered, his eyes still squinted tightly closed. "Good boy." Jaehyun tore off his own shirt and undershirt. He pressed his bare chest up against Taeyong's and licked at his neck. His mouth made its way down to Taeyong's collarbone and when he chewed gently at the skin, he heard Taeyong let out a breath and a whimper. "You're so beautiful." Jaehyun said softly as his hands wandered. He ran his hand across Taeyong's soft belly and followed it with his tongue. 

Taeyong stiffened and moaned quietly. He never knew being touched would feel like this. He hated it so much yet he wanted so much more. He craved Jaehyun, he wanted all of him, as close as he was it wasn't enough. He tentatively reached out with his chapped and scarred hands. He put them into Jaehyun's fluffy mop of dark hair. Goosebumps sprang up all over his body. He moved them down Jaehyun's neck and ran them over his rock-hard chest. Jaehyun's body looked just like he imagined it. His waist was slim. His abs were sharp. His hands explored every inch of exposed skin he could see.

Jaehyun was surprised Taeyong touched him. He hadn't expected it at all. He grabbed one of Taeyong's hands and kissed it. He licked the space in between Taeyong's fingers and then took one finger in his mouth, sucking gently at it. Taeyong's whole body arched. He let out another soft whimper. "No Jaehyun, they're dirty, they will make you dirty..." Jaehyun sucked one finger then another. "I want them to make me dirty." His voice was low and husky. He rolled right onto Taeyong and pushed his erection into Taeyong's leg. "See how being dirty makes me feel?” 

Taeyong cringed at first but then he remembered imagining Jaehyun's creamy white thighs and his own excitement became evident. Jaehyun palmed at Taeyong's crotch through his trousers, thrusting his own erection against Taeyong's thigh. "I want to see your thighs." Taeyong whispered and went cold at the boldness of his unexpected words. "Sorry..." he was suddenly embarrassed and tried to look away but Jaehyun took his chin and turned his face back to meet his. "Don't ever be sorry Taeyong. You don’t need to apologise to me." 

Jaehyun sat up and pulled Taeyong's trousers and boxers down around his ankles making Taeyong put his hands over his eyes in embarrassment. Jaehyun pulled down his own trousers and threw them onto the floor. "Aren't you going to look? You asked for this." He took Taeyong's hand and rubbed it against the inside of his thigh and Taeyong opened his eyes. Jaehyun's thighs were exactly as he imagined. Muscular and creamy white and delicious enough to make him salivate. His erection pulsed and throbbed. It was almost painful. 

Jaehyun climbed back on top of him and released his own erection from his boxers. He rubbed his own hard cock against Taeyong's. "I'm going to make you cum hard tonight Taeyong. I'm going to make you scream for me. This is your last chance to back out. Do you want me to stop?" Taeyong shook his head. "Do you think you can touch me like that?" Taeyong shook his head. "Fine, then I’ll make us both cum," Jaehyun smirked a little as he pushed his crotch hard into Taeyong's making their erections rub together. Taeyong felt hot, faint, but amazing. Jaehyun wrapped his hand around both of their cocks, thrusting and grinding in time with his hand. Taeyong arched and writhed under him in ecstasy. He had never experience anything so intoxicating. 

Jaehyun continued to pump his hand up and down. His hand became slippery as they both began to drip from the end. "Open your eyes Taeyong." Jaehyun commanded. "I want you to watch me make you cum.” Taeyong opened his eyes and watched reluctantly as pure hedonistic pleasure began to course through his body. Jaehyun was over him, working them both into a frenzy, his hand and hips combining to bring Taeyong to the edge of a feeling he had only experienced twice before. "I'm going to cum." Taeyong whispered as his body writhed in ecstasy. "So am I baby." Jaehyun stared into Taeyong's eyes.

As he moved his hand faster Taeyong's breathing became quicker and his body twitched under Jaehyun's hand. "Jae, help me, I’m cumming Jae...." Taeyong was no longer whispering. He moaned loudly and called out Jaehyun's name as his body felt like it was exploding. Warmth shot out of him onto his soft stomach as Jaehyun reached his peak. He spilled his cum onto Taeyong and collapsed on top of him breathing heavily. 

Jaehyun's lips moved softly against Taeyong's neck. The moment was over. Taeyong's skin began to itch and crawl. " I need to shower." He tried to get up but Jaehyun held him down. "5 minutes. Bear it for 5 minutes." He stroked Taeyong's lavender hair and nuzzled at his neck as tears rolled down the broken boys’ cheeks.

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

Jaehyun held Taeyong against the bed. "Jaehyun, let me up, please..." Taeyong whispered as tears streamed down his face. His breathing had slowed but it began to rise.

"No." Jaehyun said gently as he stroked the boy's hair. "Listen to my voice. Breathe through it." He stroked Taeyong's hair softly as he pressed kisses into the boy's neck. "Relax..." He kissed him over and over as his honey voice breathed soft words into Taeyong's ear. "Nothing is going to happen. Just breathe..." He drew the broken boy against his chest and encircled him with his strong arms. "Relax and breathe..." Taeyong's breathing slowed. His skin still crawled but his flight instinct had been overpowered by another emotion. "Do you feel better? Is it getting easier?" Jaehyun stroked up and down his back and chewed softly on the back of Taeyong's neck. Goosebumps sprang up all over the broken boy's upper body and he nodded slowly. He had stopped crying.

  
Jaehyun soothed him in his arms before finally releasing him. 

Taeyong jumped up immediately. He looked to the bedsheets and then to the bathroom joined onto his bedroom. "Shower first. Then I'll help you with the bed," Jaehyun said as he smiled at him. "Come with me,” Taeyong said as he looked down, suddenly shy again, and grabbed Jaehyun's hand.

Jaehyun had never seen a shower with more than one shower head. The shower was as big as his whole bathroom. Taeyong pressed a button and water shot out, instantly at the perfect temperature. Taeyong stripped off and put his clothes straight into a washing machine in the corner as Jaehyun watched him walk naked across the room. He was so thin. His skin was so white it was almost translucent. Jaehyun had never seen a more perfect person in all his life.

Jaehyun followed Taeyong's lead and stripped. "Can our clothes mix?” he asked. Taeyong thought for a second and then nodded. Jaehyun put his clothes in the machine and joined Taeyong under the warm water. They boy relaxed completely in the shower, Jaehyun did too knowing this was his safe space, a space where Taeyong could truly feel clean and let go of his anxieties. 

Taeyong squeezed a deliciously scented shower gel into his hands and rubbed it all over Jaehyun's chest. He was desperate to feel the boy's hard body under his hands. This was the best way. Maybe Jaehyun would come and shower here every day? He giggled to himself at the thought and ran his hands over Jaehyun's abs and Jaehyun giggled too. "You're not still drunk?" "No." Taeyong replied. "I just had a nice thought."

Jaehyun stared in wonder at the walk in closet bigger than his bedroom as Taeyong searched for something that would fit the bigger boy. He found some track pants which he didn't even know he had and an oversized tshirt. He handed them to Jaehyun and opened a drawer. It contained rows and rows of neatly organised brand new boxers. "I don't think any of these are going to fit you." He looked up at Jaehyun and chewed his bottom lip. "Don't need them," Jaehyun winked at Taeyong and dropped his towel to the ground to put on the pants.

Taeyong dressed and began stripping every item off the bed. Jaehyun went to help him but then he had another, much better, idea.

Taeyong pulled at the sheets while thoughts bubbled through his mind. He knew he should be freaking out. He had never let anyone into his apartment before. This was his protective bubble and it had been tainted by an outsider. Why didn't he care more? The effects of the champagne had long worn off but the buzz had been replaced by an even bigger high. Jaehyun made him feel incredible. He made him feel like anything was possible. For the first time in as long as he could remember he felt strong.

He walked out of his bedroom to an overwhelming assault of unfamiliarity. Jaehyun was in his kitchen, shirtless and gorgeous, going through his pantry. A frying pan was on the stove with butter melting into it. "Yes!" Jaehyun found what he was looking for. Taeyong stood in the entrance watching, not knowing whether to laugh or scream. "You hungry?" Jaehyun asked him and smiled as he held up a bottle of instant pancake mix. Taeyong's walls began to crumble as his feelings bubbled up inside and boiled over. "I'm always hungry," he said softly as he tried to remember the last time his stomach wasn’t knotted with the pangs of raw hunger.

"Come help me!" Jaehyun grabbed him by the hand, drawing him into the kitchen. "Show me what you use." "I don't use any of this stuff. I didn't even know I had that." He indicated to the pancake mix making Jaehyun laugh loudly. "Well there's a first time for everything. Let’s make a midnight snack." Taeyong washed his hands in the sink and Jaehyun followed his lead. The butter in the pan began to sizzle. Jaehyun added the water to the pancake mix and began to shake it vigorously. Taeyong couldn't help but watch his bare arms bulge with muscle as he shook the mix.

"Find me an egg flip please." Jaehyun poured the mix into the pan. He added a handful of chocolate chips as the pancake began to bubble on the top. Taeyong found the flip. Jaehyun drew the boy into his arms and helped him to flip the pancake. 

Taeyong's stomach rumbled as the smell of pancakes and chocolate began to fill the kitchen. He wanted to eat the food Jaehyun was cooking so bad. He decided we would. He thought over and over. It was his kitchen, his space, his stuff. He saw Jaehyun wash his hands. He wanted the food so bad, his body was screaming for nourishment, his brain telling him that everything was clean.

Jaehyun found maple syrup in the pantry and a can of whipped cream in the refrigerator. "What do you like on your pancakes?" he asked Taeyong. "I don't know. I can't remember the last time I had one." Taeyong said as he looked at the ground. "Taeyong, you need to eat to be strong." Jaehyun was cautious in his words but firm nonetheless.  "I know. I do eat." Taeyong continued to stare at the floor. "Ok baby, I believe you, but can you promise to try and have some of this?" Jaehyun plated up two piles of the chocolate chip pancakes. Taeyong nodded. The word _baby_ rolled over and over in his mind and settled heavily somewhere giving him a nice warm feeling.

He took an antiseptic wipe out and went to the glass dining table where he always ate. Jaehyun began to laugh as he stopped him. "No way! Midnight snacks are not for dining tables." He drowned the plates in maple syrup and whipped cream and carried them to the coffee table in front of the couch. He grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. Taeyong hesitated, then joined him on the couch, and Jaehyun wrapped him in a blanket. The night was getting colder.

"Close your eyes," Jaehyun leaned over and whispered in Taeyong's ear. The boy, his anxiety riddled brain overpowered by comfort and care, acquiesced and complied as Jaehyun cut a tiny bite of the pancake. "Open your mouth." He aimed the fork towards Taeyong's mouth. Taeyong chewed the pancake slowly and nervously and his eyes shot open. "Jaehyun. This is delicious!" He smiled and closed his eyes again. His mouth was wide open waiting for another taste. He looked like a baby bird in a nest. His stomach rumbled in response to the food, crying out for more. Jaehyun fed him a bigger piece. And another. Taeyong was surprised when he finished the entire plate. "That's the most food I've eaten in years,” he confessed.

They cleaned up the mess and returned to the couch. The TV and the lights were off. Jaehyun leaned back into the corner, Taeyong in between his legs, buried into his bare chest. "Thank you." The broken boy whispered. "Tonight, I wanted to feel normal. I've had the best night I can ever remember." "Me too." Jaehyun whispered. "I've never let anyone in here before." Taeyong confessed. "I'm glad it was me." Jaehyun replied. "You have been very strong tonight. I'm so proud of you." He wrapped his arms around the skinny broken boy and never wanted to let go.

  
"Jaehyun, is this what love feels like?" Taeyong's eyes were shining in the dim light as the question burst from his mouth unabashed. "How do you feel?" Jaehyun asked, stroking his back. "Like I want you here. Like I could tell you anything. Like I need you with me all the time. Is this love? Or just dependence?" 

Jaehyun was grateful for the darkness as tears filled his eyes. He wanted nothing more than Taeyong's heart. He wanted to love him, to heal him, to cure him. He wanted to hold him and care for him and break him. "I think it's the beginnings of love." Jaehyun spoke honestly. "I thought I was in love once before. But now that I'm here, with you, in this moment I know that it wasn't love. This is love.”

Jaehyun didn’t feel scared. He thought he would but the relief in the honesty of Taeyong’s guileless confession made him sure that what he was saying was right. “I'm falling in love with you and I don't think I'll ever be able to give you up. I'm scared. But I'm also happier than I have ever been."

  
Taeyong buried his face further into Jaehyun's chest. "I'm scared too. But I'm also excited. And happy. And I don't ever want to be apart from you. I'm stronger. I'm changing inside. And it's all because of you."


	17. Chapter 17

 

Taeyong phoned Jihoon the next day. "He stayed at my apartment! I let him in Jihoon! Have you ever had chocolate chip pancakes? They're amazing! Jaehyun cooked them for me, just for me, and I’ll get him to make them for you one day soon!" Jihoon was pleased for the babbling boy. He had never heard him so excited about anything. "Were all set for the recording Friday! He said he will come! I'm going to do it Jihoon! Book the music show!"

 

 

 

 

Monday afternoon Jaehyun headed to the coffee shop. He couldn't avoid them forever. Johnny and Doyoung were already waiting at a table near the window. Ten was serving at the counter and waved at him. "Hey!" Johnny called out and waved Jaehyun over. "Hey guys. What's up?" Jaehyun tried to be nonchalant as he sat down, pleased to see his flat white was waiting for him. Johnny just laughed. "Come on man! Spill. At least give us something!"

Jaehyun relayed select details from his Friday night date. He left in the restaurant, the beautiful view from the balcony and the midnight pancakes. He left out the music show, the mysophobia and the jerking off. Doyoung and Johnny knew they weren't getting the full story but they had to make do with what they could get. "He's just a guy to me. I can't see him as TY. I mean, the money is obvious, he hired out a whole restaurant for us. And his apartment is a penthouse that takes up the whole top floor of his building, but he's just a person, he’s so sweet. Seriously, if he was a 'normal' guy you wouldn't be so interested." Johnny and Doyoung looked at each other and started laughing. "Yes, we would!" Doyoung cracked up laughing.

"Ok. Your turn." Jaehyun lowered his voice. "Spill Johnny. Tell us about Ten." Johnny's face softened. "He's amazing. He's funny. And a real smart ass. I really like that." Johnny's eyes narrowed and his expression changed. "And I banged the shit out of him right there on that counter." His eyes flicked over to where Ten was standing, taking someone's order. Doyoung sprayed coffee out of his mouth in shock. Johnny and Jaehyun started to laugh. "For real?" Jaehyun was shocked. "Yep." Johnny said laughing. "And it was unreal. I'd never topped before. I didn't want to say that to him though." Jaehyun looked down, embarrassed, it had been a breaking point in their relationship. But Johnny started laughing again. "I must have been ok at it though. He was so loud. He screamed the place down like I was killing him." All three boys started laughing together and couldn't stop.

 

 

 

 

Taeyong was at a meeting at the company today to plan his music show schedule for Friday. Jihoon wasn't sure how someone could change so much in such a short time, he was bouncing off the walls, like a different kid. When he had asked Jihoon to organise the date at the restaurant Jihoon was sure it would end in panic, anxiety, and two weeks of trying to get Taeyong out of bed. Instead he was faced with this energetic fresh-faced person who was nothing like the old Taeyong. This person had life, he had vitality. He had something to live for.

Taeyong was still Taeyong though. He had a controlled and micro managed list of everything for the stage. He had agreed to do one song from the new album as well as this mystery song he had written a few weeks ago. He had recorded the melody at home and sent it through to his favorite producer to get the backing track engineered. Jihoon was nervous about this song but the CEO had advised him to let Taeyong do whatever he wanted. Taeyong had selected the lighting, the sets, even the costuming. He had detailed a list of things for the dressing room. He had even detailed how he would appear in front of the press. 

Taeyong played the song for the first time for Jihoon and Jihoon's heart skipped a beat. The emotion in the song was palpable. It was very personal. It was on another level as an artist and this music show appearance was going to be headlines for weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyong crawled between his sheets. They felt cool and safe but his bed always seemed empty now without Jaehyun beside him. He grabbed his phone and put it on speaker and dialed Jaehyun's number. Jaehyun picked it up after three rings. "Hey baby bird." Jaehyun's honey voice oozed through the speaker. "Hey," Taeyong whispered, warmth rushing over him, "I had my meeting. The company has approved everything I asked for. The recording will be at 10am. I'll pick you up at 8am. Ok?" "Ok." Jaehyun replied. "Are you sure about this?" Now it was Taeyong worried about pushing Jaehyun when he wasn't ready. "I'm sure baby. I'll be right there the whole time." Taeyong was melting at the sound of Jaehyun's voice. "I miss you. Will you come here after? We can watch the broadcast together and make pancakes?" Taeyong held his breath waiting for the response. "Nothing would make me happier." Jaehyun said. "Me too. Goodnight." Taeyong's voice faded out. "Goodnight baby bird." Jaehyun hung up.

 

 

 

Jaehyun rolled over in his bed and smiled to himself. He knew this Friday would change his life forever. He had promised Taeyong he would be there the whole time. Even in front of the media he was fine with it. He had already told his mum so there was nothing that needed hiding. If it meant being with Taeyong he would face a thousand reporters.

 

 

 

Taeyong drifted off to sleep, slowly and happily. Why did Jaehyun make him feel like he could achieve anything? He couldn't wait to surprise Jaehyun with the song. It still wouldn't be enough to give back even a little of what he felt like he had received. But it was the only way he knew how to show him how special he was. He was ready to face the media with Jaehyun by his side. The world knew him as TY, chart topping talented recluse. He was ready to show the world who he really was, Lee Taeyong, a broken boy whose heart was healing slowly with a little help.


	18. Chapter 18

 

Friday finally arrived. Jaehyun got up early, showered and dressed in a simple combination of blue ripped jeans, a plain black tshirt and a black cap. He added black boots and a black belt. He hoped it would be ok as he waited downstairs for the now familiar black SUV.

It turned up right on time. As Jaehyun climbed in he began to laugh at their accidental couple outfits. Taeyong was wearing ripped jeans, a plain black tshirt and a black cap. At least his jeans were black. "Nervous?" Taeyong asked Jaehyun quietly. "A little. You?" Taeyong nodded. "A lot." His hands were shaking. Jaehyun slid over to the seat next to him and took Taeyong's hands in his. "I'll be here the whole time. I won't let go until you want me to."

They could hear the crowd of fans before they even saw them. People were lined up around the block. Barriers had been set up outside the studio to keep them at bay. The huge crowd of mostly girls began to push and scream when the vehicle pulled up outside the building. Jihoon phoned in and said that Taeyong could change his mind and that the vehicle could drive straight into the underground carpark but Taeyong refused. "If I'm going to do this, I'm doing it properly,” he said as he took a deep breath and opened the car door. The crowd erupted when Taeyong stepped out of the door first, dragging Jaehyun by the hand. The crowd cheered and screamed as Taeyong waved to them, still clutching at Jaehyun with his other hand, squeezing it so tight Jaehyun thought his bones would crack. They headed quickly for the door. Jaehyun opened it and ushered Taeyong inside.

Jihoon met them at the dressing room. "Nice to finally meet you." He offered his hand to Jaehyun who shook it. "Same,” Jaehyun answered as the two men smiled at each other. They went into the dressing room and closed the door. "You ok?" Jaehyun turned to Taeyong who buried himself in Jaehyun's shirt. "Yes. Help me to breathe please." Jaehyun stroked his hair as the boys breathing slowed down and became normal. They smiled at each other as they broke apart and Taeyong began to look around. "What do you want to clean?" Jaehyun asked, getting out the antiseptic wipes. Taeyong's face softened and he busied himself with the other boy, fussing and cleaning anything he thought he might have to touch.

Jihoon couldn't believe what he was witnessing. This tall fluffy haired boy had tremendous influence over Taeyong. He just became a huge part of the TY team without even knowing. Jihoon knew keeping Jaehyun happy and on side was now just as important as keeping Taeyong happy. He’d never seen Taeyong like this, agitated but coping, self aware and present. And obviously and totally enamoured with the other man helping him sterilise the room.

Taeyong's first song he was performing was from his new album. He wasn't so nervous about this one - this was what he loved to do. He was determined to get out there on the stage. Jaehyun had walked him to the stage, he had a look out at the size of the crowd, he had brought his own mic and stage equipment. He could handle this. He could do it. 

Jaehyun looked at the broken boy and for the first time he really understood who TY was. The boy in front of him looked like a different person. He was wearing heavy eye makeup, a see-through black shirt and black skinny jeans. Glitter sparkled in his hair and chains swung from his neck. Jaehyun saw his hands shaking and held them in his own. "Where do you want me?" "Somewhere so I can see you." "Ok baby bird. I'll be right here. When you are done come straight to me." Jaehyun stood just off stage, shrouded in anonymity, his presence in the background soothing and grounding to the man on stage.

As soon as the music started Taeyong became TY. Taeyong couldn't see the crowd for the lights, he couldn't hear them over the track, he lost himself in the music. The rap blasted and the choreography flowed. Jaehyun was absolutely stunned. He was incredible. He was such a star. Before Taeyong knew it, the crowd was screaming and it was over, he’d done it. It was a huge step forward.

Taeyong's breathing was heavy as he left the stage, for once not from anxiety, but from exhilaration. He felt hot all over. It was so similar to the way Jaehyun made him feel in bed the other night but also completely different. Jaehyun was waiting for him to wipe his sweat and give him water and he dissolved into the bigger boys’ arms and let him take him back to the dressing room.

Taeyong went into the bathroom and Jihoon came over to Jaehyun and spoke quietly to him. "I really can't thank you enough, I care so much about this kid, and I've been the only person really in his life since he was 15. I'm not going to give you the details, that's his business to tell, but I'm glad he's found someone who can love him in the way that he needs." Jihoon and Jaehyun smiled, an unspoken agreement passing between their eyes. "He wants you to know how much you mean to him and he's prepared something to show you. Go and wait next to the stage in the same spot. Make sure he can see you." 

Jaehyun took up his spot next to the stage. The lights dimmed and the crowd went silent. One spotlight illuminated a figure in the center of the stage. It wasn't TY. It was Taeyong. The glitter and heavy makeup were washed away. He was wearing the tan trousers and white v neck from the day of their first shared coffee, their first attempt at the bookshop, the first time he let Jaehyun touch him. The backing track was simple and clean. Taeyong's eyes searched desperately for Jaehyun and when they landed on him just off stage he took a deep breath.

_ To stand alone in the darkness _   
_I'm so lonely and afraid_   
_Because I know, I can say it_   
_Now I won't be like that anymore_   
_Littlest things, a complicated maze_   
_I won't think those useless thoughts anymore_   
_Feeling a good day_   
_I do not care all day yeah_   
_We're together, so throw away all those thoughts, throw it_   
_When you're tired, remember you're not alone_

Tears streamed down Jaehyun's cheeks as Taeyong rapped about a broken boy who used to be alone, a broken boy whose mind was a complicated maze of anxiety, a boy who didn't want to be broken anymore. A boy who was no longer alone. Jaehyun knew this was his song, his and Taeyong's together, the song of their love story.

The stage went black. The crowd was silent, stunned, unmoving. Then it erupted. Taeyong's fans clapped cheered and screamed. They knew they had witnessed something special. 

Taeyong ran to Jaehyun in the darkness and found his arms open and waiting. Jaehyun was crying, his tears dripping into the smaller boy’s lavender hair. "Thank you." He whispered into Taeyong's hair. "Thank you so much. I love you." 

Taeyong leaned back in Jaehyun's embrace and his eyes opened wide. He looked panicked. "Water! I need water." Jaehyun searched around near his seat and found an unopened bottle. "Are you ok?" He asked, concerned as he handed the bottle to Taeyong. Taeyong unscrewed the lid. "Drink some." He shoved the bottle at Jaehyun frantically, desperately, and Jaehyun was confused but he did as he was asked. Taeyong snatched the bottle back, took a huge mouthful and swallowed. And then he kissed him. 

Messily at first, Taeyong pressed Jaehyun against the wall, his mouth hungry for Jaehyun's. Jaehyun's surprise was quickly overcome and his tongue explored Taeyong's mouth, searching for resistance and finding it. Their bodies melted into each other. Jaehyun ran his hands through Taeyong's hair and they both forgot where one stopped and the other one started as they kissed each other gently in the darkness.


	19. Chapter 19

Jaehyun could hear his phone blowing up. He had left it in the kitchen and hadn't even checked it since the morning. He ignored it in favour of the more important task at hand; Taeyong was on the couch in full baby bird mode and Jaehyun was absorbed in the task of feeding him bites of pancakes with whipped cream and syrup, and some strawberry and banana he added to the plate. The music show was playing on the tv in the background. Taeyong knew his appearance would be near the end. He was excited but he was more interested in the fluffy haired boy who was fussing over him like he was a baby.

"Jaehyun, if I decide to tour, will you come with me?"  he asked quietly. He had been thinking more about how much he enjoyed being on stage. Despite his struggles he loved it and with Jaehyun by his side he felt like he could do anything. "If it was over the summer break I could take some time off from the clinic." Jaehyun smiled and aimed another bite of banana at him. "Provided I pass my end of year exams and don't have to take make up classes over summer." Jaehyun thought about how much his priorities had shifted since he met Taeyong. How could he have fallen so far in just eight weeks?

The sound of TY's new track filled the room and they both stopped and turned towards the tv. The first stage had turned out amazing. TY looked like the star he was, in all black and glitter, swaggering across the stage. It was breathtaking. Then the next stage; Taeyong looked five years younger with the heavy makeup gone and the simple clean looking outfit. The song was so beautiful and Taeyong's eyes glittered genuine and warm with tears as he poured his heart out on stage.

Jaehyun turned to Taeyong. "It's our story, isn't it?" he asked although he already knew the answer. "Yes." Taeyong looked down at his hands. "I wrote it in the morning before we went to the bookstore and the garden. I knew already that I would fall in love with you. I could see it coming." Taeyong's hands shook and trembled but he summoned all his bravery and kept talking. "I was so scared but for the first time ever I couldn't run away. I need you Jaehyun. I need you forever. Please don't ever leave me." Tears filled his eyes as his voice wavered and he laid his feelings out in the open for the other boy sitting beside him.  "Taeyong listen to me. You're strong. Stronger than you know. I don't ever want to leave you." Jaehyun's heart broke as he tried to convey how  he felt. How can you promise someone that you'll never leave? Things change. Things outside the control of those involved. Taeyong was always going to need to feel like he could control everything and Jaehyun couldn’t give him that so  he just took him in his arms and kissed his fears away.

It wasn't until the next day, alone in his own apartment, that Jaehyun felt able to deal with the assault of messages and missed calls on his phone. It was all the usual suspects. He called his mum who said he had looked nice when she saw him on tv. Their arrival at the studio had been broadcast on every network at some stage during the day prior. Jaehyun looked up the video online and watched the 20 second clip of a frail looking Taeyong clinging to his arm and waving to his fans as they walked into the building. He looked through his notifications and mentions, speculation online about who Jaehyun was and what their relationship was, gossip and stories on trash websites and forums. He wondered how long it would be before someone sold him out. 

 

 

 

Sunday morning Jaehyun prepared to face it and met Johnny and Doyoung at the coffee shop. They bombarded him with questions, Jaehyun answered bits and pieces of this and that, but he really couldn't understand how people were so fascinated with celebrity. He described the studio, the recording process, talked about who he met. It bored the shit out of him. "Why do you keep checking your watch?" Johnny asked just as the cafe door opened. A painfully thin boy in a black mask and beanie walked in and sat down at their table. He pulled his mask down and grinned at Jaehyun who smiled back and kissed him lovingly in front of everyone. "This is Taeyong,” Jaehyun said as the boy fired a hand in a shy little wave.

Doyoung and Johnny sat in stunned silence before introducing themselves. They watched on as Jaehyun fussed over the boy, holding his hand, stroking his arm, getting him a cup of black coffee which he barely touched. They chatted and made conversation with the famous rapper who smiled and spoke back to them politely but never took his eyes off Jaehyun once. Ten came over and chatted with them for a while before they got up to leave.

Once they were gone Doyoung turned to Johnny. "Have you ever seen anything like that?" Johnny shook his head. "He's whipped. He's got it bad." They shook their heads and laughed.

 

 

Jaehyun and Taeyong wandered hand in hand across the campus. A few people stared at them but no one bothered them. It was getting late and the sun had disappeared behind clouds casting the garden in grey light as they sat behind the big lavender. Taeyong really felt like it had been another perfect day.

He begged Jaehyun to come home with him but the boy gently refused. He had early lectures and work tomorrow and he knew that if he went with Taeyong that would all fall in a hole. "You don't want me to fail, do you!" Jaehyun's voice was muffled into Taeyong's neck as he tried to indulge himself as much as he could. "Kind of. Then you could just quit and be with me all day every day." Taeyong put his hands under Jaehyun's shirt and kissed him hard on the mouth, trying to turn the tables, but in vain. The driver dropped Jaehyun off at his apartment building and headed for home.

Taeyong sank back into the seat of the vehicle wondering if he was ever going to be happier than he was. He went up in his elevator and entered his apartment. Before he had a chance to head for the bathroom the security desk buzzed up. "Yes?" Taeyong answered his intercom. "Sorry to bother you Mr Lee but there's a visitor here." Taeyong was confused. Who would come here besides Jihoon and Jaehyun? Panic washed over him and he chewed his bottom lip. The security buzzed again. "I'm sorry Mr Lee but she won’t leave. She says she's your mother."


	20. Chapter 20

 

Jaehyun wandered to work in the cold. He would need a new coat for the winter; it was going to be a cold one. He checked his phone but there were no new messages. He hadn't heard from Taeyong since their last date at the coffee shop. It had been four days. He knew he was going to be busy, and he had a feeling that Taeyong might be giving him space and time for his studies, but he missed him. And it wasn't like him to not at least text.

 

  
He sat behind the desk, bored, dealing with the steady stream of clients and phone calls that made up the bulk of his workload. He occasionally found a chance to open his textbooks and he felt like he was no longer lagging behind in his studies. Jaehyun decided that he would call Taeyong after work today, try to make time for them to meet, even if it was just for a few hours. He missed him so much. Every minute without him was a minute his heart was being torn in two.  
  
He called after work but Taeyong didn't answer. He sent a text after dinner but got no response. He felt miserable, pacing a little to try and distract himself, when nothing worked he eventually went to bed.  
  
When there was still no response on the fifth day Jaehyun began to wonder if maybe there was something wrong with Taeyong's phone.  
  
On the sixth day he began to worry.  
  
On the seventh day Jihoon showed up at the clinic. "Jaehyun, I need to talk to you,” he said as a  prophetic chill ran through Jaehyun's body. They went outside and Jaehyun noticed Jihoon looked like he hadn't slept in days. The Manager ran a desperate hand through his unkempt hair and blinked his tired eyes before just blurting what was on his mind.  "Jaehyun. We have a big problem and I need your help."  
  


 

  
Taeyong sat on the edge of his couch. Every time his phone rang he jumped with nerves tightly wound like a coiled spring. His mother eyed it suspiciously. "Who has been taking care of you while I was away?" she asked. She had definitely changed. She looked ten years older, thin and grey, features tired and drawn. But still, to Taeyong, indescribably terrifying.  
  
"No one. Myself." Taeyong's said softly as his hands shook. He picked at them incessantly, opening up every scab, watching his blood bead with a combination of disgust and fascination. 

 

He flicked his phone to silent. She could never know about Jaehyun.  
  
"You haven't been doing a good job. Look how sick you are. You're shaking. Your hands look really bad. Who is your doctor?" She fired relentless questions as she eyed his hands with their chapped and bloody scabs. "Are you eating? Let me make you something to eat?" she said and was in the kitchen before he could even answer her. Taeyong wanted to shake his head but he didn't have the strength so instead he just sat as still as he could. "What do you like to eat?" she asked, looking through his refrigerator. "I like pancakes with whipped cream." His voice was small. "You can’t eat pancakes. You're allergic to gluten, dairy and sugar. Are you trying to kill yourself?"  
  
She put a plate of sliced apple in front of Taeyong. "Eat,” she said. His mind flashed back to a time when he couldn't refuse.  


 

  
_He laid in bed awake._

_He stared at the roof._

_He missed his favorite teddy bear._

_She said it was collecting dust and giving him asthma. It had been the last toy left in his room. Now he was alone. His stomach rumbled with hunger._  
  
_He missed school. He missed having friends. He missed so many days due to illness that he had been held back a grade but it wasn't noticeable because he was still the smallest boy in his class. One day his mother was called to a meeting at the school and he never went back._  
  
_He decided to be brave and get up. As he walked down the stairs his legs buckled slightly but he wanted to make it. He steeled his resolve and made it to the dining table._  
  
_"I feel better today Mum,” he said as he smiled weakly at her. She was in the kitchen. "I feel hungry."_

_"You forgot,” she hissed as she stared him down. He walked into the bathroom, washed his hands, dried them and then washed them again. And again. He knew she would check. Before he sat at the table, she inspected them, were bleeding and raw, the skin dry and cracked and irritated. "Your skin looks bad today. I'll make an appointment with Dr Kim." Tears filled Taeyong's eyes at the implication of a dreaded doctors visit._  
  
_She deemed the hands clean enough and put a plate down in front of him containing half a sliced apple. "Could I have some toast? Just this once? Please Mum?" His voice trembled as he begged but she shook her head. "You're allergic. You'll get sick."_

_"But I'm already sick anyway..." His tiny voice trailed off as he stared at the sliced apple. He picked up a slice and chewed it slowly. It tasted funny. Like insect spray, like metal, like something that didn't belong. He was so hungry he finished it and picked up another slice. He chewed it and as soon as he swallowed it his stomach heaved and emptied all over the floor._

 

_"Dirty boy!" His mother yelled at him. "Clean it up now!" The hot water and bleach stung his hands even more than the soap. His eyes watered. He felt sick again. He just wanted to sleep._  


 

 

  
_He laid in the hospital bed. The roof was no more interesting than the one in his room at home. He was hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor. Taeyong liked hospitals. They were safe. There were always other people round and he always started feeling better when he was in the hospital. Doctor after doctor wandered in and out, whispering to themselves. Needles, blood tests and x-rays were a daily occurrence for Taeyong._  
  
_"Mrs Lee, we are unable to diagnose Taeyong. We don't know why his immune system is so vulnerable. He seems much better today. We're going to discharge him. He can go home."_

 

_Home._

 

_Taeyong's eyes darkened. He didn’t want_ _to go home. But Mrs Lee nodded and thanked the doctors as they left. "Home Taeyong." She said with a smile smiled and began to pack up his things. She leaned over and he saw her fixing his IV drip. It seemed to have disconnected somehow. She clipped the tube back in and held his delicate little chapped hand in hers. "Remember, no matter what happens, I love you." he heard her say as his tiny body began to convulse and shake. Mrs Lee pressed the emergency call button, Doctors ran into the room from everywhere, and Taeyong closed his eyes. He was so tired. Would today be the day he died?_  


 

 

  
Taeyong stared at the apple on the plate. He hated apples but he picked up a slice and chewed it slowly before he took another. "I'm not hungry anymore." he said and pushed his plate away. His mother stared him down. 

He felt ten years old again. 

He washed his hands. He washed them again. And again. And again. They stung and bled. He retreated into his bed. He just wanted to sleep. He was so tired. Would today be the day he died?  


 

 

  
Jaehyun and Jihoon sat in the coffee shop. "I've heard a lot about this place." Jihoon smiled a thin smile but it barely reached his eyes. He looked exhausted.

  
"Jaehyun, have you heard of Munchausens By Proxy?" Jihoon felt stupid asking a psych student. Jaehyun nodded as a sick feeling began to churn in his stomach. "Experts are still conflicted over whether it exists as a legitimate diagnosis." Jihoon looked at the coffee in his hands. "Taeyong would disagree with anyone who said it didn't exist." Jihoon sat in the coffee shop and relayed the story of a boy who was always sick. As he got older, he began to question what was making him sick.  
  
"One day he ran away from home. I saw him walking near a shopping mall. Despite his ragged appearance and his slumped shoulders his visuals were so outstanding I went up to him on the street and asked him to come in to the company. He didn't believe me at first but I convinced him and he came with me that day. He never left. When he told me about his Mum we had him assessed by our own company doctor.” Jihoon took a deep breath, hands in his hair, tears in his eyes and Jaehyun knew what he was about to say. “Jaehyun there was nothing medically wrong with him. _Nothing_. The court case lasted 3 weeks but we won, he was emancipated and I was given guardianship and he moved in at the trainee dorm. He's better now than he was then, Jaehyun, he was afraid of everyone and everything. We tried to get him professional help but he was just so afraid." Jihoon's voice started to shake as he relived Taeyong’s early years all over again.

"And now she's back. We need to save him again Jaehyun. We’re the only people who can.”


	21. Chapter 21

 

Jihoon had been on conference call with the company lawyers for over an hour. "The mental health order was supposed to be for ten years. Why weren't we notified of her early release?" he demanded, agitated, his mind racked with stress. He was angry, upset and worried; he had spent the last six years keeping Taeyong on track and with the arrival of Jaehyun in his life things were finally looking up for the kid. He was finally healing and now this had to be dropped on him. The lawyers were at a loss. Taeyong was an adult now. They had no legal way to protect him without his permission. Jihoon knew Jaehyun was his only chance.

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun couldn't sleep he was so worried. He poured over his textbooks; Munchausen’s, OCD, Mysophobia, Stockholm Syndrome. He had so many questions but found no answers. He knew the only answer was in his heart and the answer was to just get to Taeyong somehow but the broken boy wouldn't answer his calls or texts. He rolled over in bed and put the pillow over his face. 

Tomorrow he would save him. Tomorrow this had to end.

 

 

 

Taeyong curled up in his bed and sobbed. He wished he had never let her in to his apartment and back into his life. But what was he supposed to do? She was his mother. She loved him. He couldn't turn her away. He was too weak inside. Jaehyun said he was strong but he wasn't. 

He felt sick. He hadn't eaten today. Eating had once again become something to be frightened of. Another monster clawing at his mind. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was getting sick again? 

She must have heard his soft sobs. His mother came in and sat on the edge of the bed and tried to stroke his hair. He shied away from her touch, cringing as the contamination crept across his skin. "Do you feel sick? Do you want some medicine?" Her words were gentle but terrifying and he shook his head. "Taeyong who is this? And why are you letting him touch you? He looks dirty." She had a magazine in her hand. Inside was a picture of Jaehyun, tall and stoic, with Taeyong clinging to his arm and smiling. It seemed so far away, so long ago, so foreign as she shoved it in front of his face. "That's not me Mum." Sobs choked in his chest. "That's a picture of someone else."

As soon as she left his side Taeyong ran for the shower. His stomach heaved but it was empty and nothing came out but harsh bile. He retched into the shower as his whole body shook and shivered with fear. He shampooed his hair, desperate to remove the feeling of her touch that was crawling all over him, the monster trying to get inside his brain. He soaped and shampooed, he brushed his teeth, he washed his hands, he shampooed again but it wouldn't go away. He pulled at a clump of hair and felt finally satisfied when he saw the small chunk in his fist. It was lavender....

Lavender. He missed the smell of lavender. He missed Jaehyun. He knew he had to hide him, to protect him from the monster. Protect him from her at all cost.

 

 

 

_ Taeyong ran home excitedly from school. Someone had finally sat with him at lunch. Another small, skinny looking boy who had just moved from overseas. His name was Mark. He was nice and shared his cheese sandwich with Taeyong. It was the best thing Taeyong had eaten in years. "Why do you only have apple?" Mark had asked. "I have allergies," Taeyong answered. Mark just shrugged and shared his lunch anyway. _

_ "Mum, mum! I made a friend!" His eyes shone with joy as he skipped into the house. "I made a friend! His name is Mark and we sat together at lunch. He asked me to go to his house on the weekend. Can I? Please?" His face desperately searched hers for any sign of approval. _

_ "No. Don't be stupid Taeyong. You're too sick to go play. I don't want you talking to this boy anymore." Tears filled Taeyong's eyes. "Why?" He began to cry. "You know why. You mention this again and I will go to the school and say he's bullying you and he will get into trouble. That will make him stay away." Taeyong began to cry. He didn't want Mark to get into trouble. His chest heaved for oxygen as tears ran down his gaunt cheeks. _

_ "Now you can't breathe. You need medicine." His mother got up and went to the cupboard, removing the foul smelling liquid Taeyong hated most. He swallowed the spoonful and retched, running to the toilet. As he bent over the bowl, emptying bile and tiny chunks of the precious sandwich from his stomach into the water, his mother stroked his back softly. "No one can ever take care of you Taeyong. No one but me. Remember this. Anyone tries to take my place and I will deal with. I will ruin them." Her touch made him want to crawl out of his own skin. _

 

 

Jaehyun rang Jihoon the next morning. "How did you go with the lawyers?" "Not good.” Jihoon sighed heavily. “We're on our own unless she does something illegal or does something to get recommitted." Jaehyun shook his head. "I'm not waiting any longer Jihoon. I'm going to get him out of there. You can either meet me there with a spare key or I will break in somehow but I'm getting him out of there today." Jaehyun began to pace his apartment in agitation as he waited for Jihoon’s answer. "I have a key. I'll pick you up in an hour." The other man replied and Jaehyun hung up to wait.


	22. Chapter 22

 

 

Taeyong was back in his bed. It was the only safe space in his apartment. The rest of this place had been soiled by her presence. Everywhere she had been Taeyong only saw dirt and contamination. His hands bled and his head stung and he was tormented with the memory of the last time his head had stung like this.

 

 

 

_ Taeyong was always locked up in his room. The more he avoided contact with her the better. Sometimes he thought she was getting better and sometimes he thought she was getting worse; but he had finally found an outlet for all the emotions that bubbled and boiled in his mind. Taeyong wrote rap song after rap song in a thick notebook he had hidden under his mattress. _

_ He remembered a year ago asking for a guitar for his birthday but it never came. When she found the notebook, she grabbed his hair, pulling out a huge chunk of soft brown strands. She took his notebook but his voice was something she couldn't take away. Something she couldn't wash into oblivion.  _

_ He was sick of this house. He was sick of this room. He was sick of this wasted existence he was trapped in. _

_ She couldn't make him take the medicine anymore. He knew what it was, it wasn't medicine, and it wasn't making him better. It was making him worse. He was bigger than her at last. His body wasn't strong but his instinct to live was. _

_ He threw open his window and leaned out, breathing in the fresh air. It made him feel fresh and alive. His favorite part of the day was night when his mother would finally go to sleep and he could hide in the darkness. He sat on the windowsill. _

_ The next night he climbed out and laid on the roof for hours. _

_ The next night he jumped softly off the roof and ran and never went back. _

 

 

Jihoon arrived in Taeyong's car armed with the spare key. Jaehyun laughed when he saw him. "I don't know who looks worse. You or me?" The other man laughed. Then they steeled themselves.

"When we go in, I'll go straight for Mrs Lee. I'll tell her she's not welcome and she has to leave. She makes a disturbance and I'll call the police and security. You go to Taeyong and do whatever it is that you do that soothes him. He'll need everything you've got to give Jaehyun. I've seen him like this before. I want you to be prepared."

Jaehyun just nodded and stared out the window. He was ready.

Jaehyun steeled his resolve. He looked at Jihoon and they shared an unspoken moment united by their care for the same person. 

 

Jihoon unlocked the door.

They walked in quietly. The silence was unnerving.

 

Jihoon found Mrs Lee in the kitchen cleaning. She looked up at him in surprise turning quickly into anger. "You. I remember you,” she hissed at him but he stood firm. "I remember you too. I remember you making Taeyong sick. I remember him needing protection. It's time to leave." 

 

She stood her ground, angry and defiant. "No way. He's my son and I'm back to take care of him. He's not well. He needs me." Jihoon wrestled with anger, sadness, sympathy. He felt for the woman but she had to go. "Right. Time to leave." Jihoon grabbed her by the arm but she shrugged him off. "If Taeyong say leave I will leave. But he won’t. He needs me and he knows it." Her eyes glimmered with a hint of the instability inside.

 

Jaehyun knew where to find the broken boy and he was right. A Taeyong shaped lump protruded from the middle of the bed. Jaehyun wanted to run to him, to scoop him up, to hold him and never let go. But he knew it wouldn’t work. They would have to start again. He sat on the edge of the bed and slowly pulled the cover back, tears filling his eyes, his breath choking him at the sight of his lover destroyed.

The boy was broken. He looked like a shattered doll. His face was thin and tired, his hands were bleeding, so was his bottom lip where he had chewed the inside. His hair stuck out at odd angles and Jaehyun could see the patch where a small chunk was missing. He sucked in a deep breath. He wanted to scream, to cry, he wanted to run into the kitchen and grab the monster and throw her out himself. Instead he focused on Taeyong.

"Hi baby bird,” he crooned softly. It took Taeyong's eyes a few seconds to register before they opened wide in panic. "You have to leave,” he hissed quietly. "She'll get rid of you. She'll ruin you." A tear rolled down his cheek.

 

Jaehyun saw a fresh scab near his eye where he had picked his skin. He grabbed Taeyong's bloody hands in his and stared him in the face. "No, she won’t. I'm not scared of her. And you aren't either. Get up." Taeyong resisted but Jaehyun was stronger. He dragged him up to standing. "Remember. Remember all the times you have been strong. Remember the bookshop, the coffee shop, the TV studio. Remember." His voice went from commanding to pleading as he begged the broken boy's mind to register. "Remember. Please." He leaned forward and kissed him. Softly. Tentatively. Taeyong cringed but didn't pull away.

Jaehyun remembered an old tactic. It had worked before and he hoped it would work again. "Right. I'm going to count to five. If you don't get out of this room and face her, I'm going to leave. 1....2...." He counted slowly and deliberately as panic flooded Taeyong's body. He remembered this feeling. He didn't want Jaehyun to leave.

"3......" He remembered. He remembered the bookshop, the restaurant, the lavender. Pancakes and Jaehyun's smile. 

“4....." He remembered hospitals and medicines and tests and apples that he hated. He remembered illness, self-loathing and fear that had been replaced with safety, with warmth, and with love. He stood up before 5 came. He wrapped his skinny arms around his life raft and Jaehyun breathed a sigh of relief under his breath as the boy came to his side. "I want her to leave. I want you again." 

His voice was small and his tiny frame shook. Jaehyun gently stroked his hair, trying not to cry when he saw the bare and bloody patches of scalp. He had to be strong. Taeyong needed his strength. "You need to tell her. I will be there with you. You're strong, Taeyong. You think you're not but you are. Jihoon told me everything. After everything she put you through, you survived. Find your strength. I know it's in there." Taeyong clung to Jaehyun’s arm and nodded. He had found his strength. It was their love.

They found Jihoon and Mrs Lee at a stalemate. Neither speaking, neither moving. Just staring. "Mum." Taeyong started. She snapped around and was surprised to see him clinging desperately to the body of the bigger boy. Jaehyun put a protective arm around his shoulder. "Why are you touching that boy?" She wrinkled her nose in disgust. She turned to Jaehyun. "And who do you think you are?" She glared at Jaehyun who stood stoically in her gaze. "I'm Jaehyun. I love Taeyong. I will protect him from anything that will harm him. And this, Mrs Lee, includes you." Jaehyun squeezed Taeyong's shoulder. Taeyong looked up at him. "Mum. I want you to leave. You can't come here anymore. This is my home. You need to go,” he said as he stared at the floor. 

 

She began to shake. "I don't believe you,” she said and Taeyong snapped. "I SAID LEAVE!" 21 years of repressed hurt and anger poured out of the broken boy like a volcano. He flew at her, his hands shaking her shoulders, then going for her throat. Her eyes bulged in fear as Jaehyun grabbed him and held him tight. "Stop. Listen to my voice,” he soothed. "Listen and calm down." The boy went limp in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

Jihoon took control and took her outside. "You come near him again and I will make sure you never see the outside of the Institution ever again. I will find a way to get you recommitted." Her ferocity wavered in the face of Jihoon's resolve. She accepted defeat as she had 6 years before in the courtroom.

He took her down to the garage and gave instructions for the driver to take her to her sisters. He then left instructions with the security desk to never allow her near this building ever again. When he returned to the apartment, he found Taeyong and Jaehyun in the bedroom. Taeyong was sleeping with Jaehyun wrapped around his body like a shield. He indicated to Jaehyun that he would leave them alone. They could catch up and debrief later.

Taeyong mustn't have slept in days. He tossed in his sleep, tiny cries for help escaping his body, heat and sweat coating him from head to toe. Jaehyun just held him. He knew this would be hard to come back from but whatever Taeyong needed he would be right there to give it to him.


	23. Chapter 23

 

They lay in the bed for hours, the broken boy and his shield, his life raft who had saved his life.

Finally, after too long, Taeyong woke from his fevered nightmares and opened his eyes to Jaehyun's smile. "Hi baby bird." His favorite words to hear. They were back. "Was it real? Did I dream it?" he whispered and Jaehyun shook his head. "I wish it wasn't real but it was. Its over now though and I'm going to make it stay that way."

Taeyong shied away from his embrace. He went deep under the covers and Jaehyun realised they were back to square one.

 

  
Jaehyun got up and went into the bathroom. There was a huge bath which looked like it had never been used. He decided to fill it. Taeyong might not want it but he needed to do something to start to bring the boy back.

It filled quickly and he added bubbles. Lots of bubbles. He then went back into the bedroom to coax Taeyong out of the bed. "Time to get up," he soothed softly with his honey voice. The lump in the bed just shook and shrank smaller. "Get up." His voice changed as he commanded Taeyong to get out of the bed and he pulled the blanket back. "Do you want me to leave? Do I have to count?"   


Taeyong shook his head. He got up.

Uncertainty filled his eyes when he saw the bath. He looked to Jaehyun for an answer. "A bath will do you good. It's nice." Jaehyun smiled but Taeyong's brow furrowed. He couldn't ever remember having one. It was always showers so the dirt could wash away. Not float around you; it had to wash away. Jaehyun proceeded to lift his arms up and remove his shirt. "You will like it. Get in," he said as he removed Taeyong's shorts. The boy was still uncertain but he looked to Jaehyun, who nodded reassuringly, and got in.

As he sank below the bubbles, he felt his muscles let go. He closed his eyes and when he opened them Jaehyun had pulled up a chair next to the bath. "Next time I'll join you." He winked at him and Taeyong's heart skipped. He _remembered_. Jaehyun's touch wasn't scary. Jaehyun was safe.   


Or was he? Taeyong was confused.

He thought he heard a noise and his brain snapped into an instant alertness. Was she back? He looked around in panic but it was just Jaehyun getting something from the shower.

  
Jaehyun washed Taeyong's hair, gently rubbing the scalp, banishing the monster which had crawled across his skin. He looked at the dark roots exposed and wondered what Taeyong looked like with his natural hair colour. The bare patches had scabbed over and didn't look too bad.

He scrubbed his back gently. Taeyong's spine was prominent. "How long since you've eaten?" Jaehyun asked softly. Taeyong just shook his head and shrugged. He honestly didn't remember.

When he got out Jaehyun dried and dressed him like he was a child. In a lot of ways he still was. He lamented the scabs and wounds on Taeyong's hands. "Please stop this," Jaehyun begged as he searched desperately in the broken boy's eyes for a glimmer of acknowledgement. He took Taeyong's hands and put them in his own but felt him stiffen at the touch.

Clean and dry, and bundled up in his favorite blanket on the couch, Taeyong was still vacant. His eyes flicked and darted at every noise, every perceived threat. Frustration began to boil over inside Jaehyun. The broken boy was bad enough as it was. Why did that monster have to come back? Why did she have to open up all Taeyong's old wounds? Why was life so cruel to those who deserved it least?   


He went into the kitchen and began to look around. He was prepared to force the broken boy to eat; he had to eat. He had to live, not just survive, Jaehyun wanted him to _live_. He opened the pantry and found everything gone. She had taken everything she deemed dangerous and thrown it out. He opened the refrigerator and found a few pieces of fruit. It wasn't going to do.

Jaehyun had an idea. He went into the bedroom and found a bag. He filled it with the things he knew Taeyong liked best. Soft pyjamas, new boxers, fresh socks. He emptied most of the bathroom into another bag. He added a towel and some other items of familiarity.

He went out into the living area. "Come on. We're leaving. This isn't your bubble anymore. You need a safe space," he said, not giving Taeyong time to question. He grabbed him by the arm, still wrapped in the blanket, moving him off the couch. On the way out the door he pushed Taeyong's feet into some shoes, grabbed his keys and his precious backpack, and dragged him out the door.

He bundled him into the car and it was only once they left the underground carpark that Taeyong began to register. "Jaehyun." He whispered. "Where are we going?" "We're going somewhere safe. Somewhere where you can be sure she's not going to find you. I'm taking you to my place."

Taeyong began to shake but he didn't protest. He didn't have the strength. "How's your anxiety?" Jaehyun asked him quietly. "Ten." Taeyong shook inside his blanket nest.

Jaehyun was done. He pulled her car over and grabbed his shoulders. "Look. Look at me Taeyong. She's gone. I'm here. I'll protect you. I promise."   


He gripped the broken boy tightly. "Look at me," he commanded. He was almost yelling. He wanted to scream and shake the boy by the shoulders, shake him out of his catatonic stupor. His honey voice was gone, quickly replaced by cold steel. "I'm taking you somewhere safe. And you're going to come back to me Taeyong. I'll make you come back. I told you once before. I would make you want me. I would make you love me. And I did, and I don't care how long it takes, I will bring you back. I will make you want me again." His voice was cold but his eyes were warm as they searched the expression on the broken boy's face.

A flicker of recognition flew across Taeyong's consciousness and he began to cry. "I remember," he softly sobbed. "I do love you. I do want you." His arms wound their way out of his blanket and around Jaehyun who drew the boy in close and inhaled against his hair. "Good boy," he said softly as he stroked his hair.

They arrived at Jaehyun's apartment and he unlocked it and let Taeyong in. Taeyong's eyes flew around the place in wonder. It was tiny but warm and Jaehyun was everywhere. There were anime posters and huge thick textbooks stacked up and it smelled of Jaehyun's shirts.

Jaehyun led him to the two-seater couch and made him sit. The Miyazaki art book was on the coffee table. "Remember the day in the bookshop? When you bought me this?" Taeyong nodded. "You promised me we could watch the movie. That's what we are going to do. I'm going to put the movie on and make pancakes and you are going to eat them and smile at me and come back to me."

Taeyong looked up into the face he loved more than anything else in the world. The late afternoon light streaming in the window hit Jaehyun's hair from behind and made him glow, reminding Taeyong of the first time he saw him properly, the day in the hospital when he thought he was an angel.

Taeyong hugged himself inside his blanket. The itching and crawling had begun to retreat. He really thought he might be ok.


End file.
